


CCG Public Enemy No 1

by euphoricimage



Category: Naruto, Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: CCG has no idea what to do, Dimension Travel, Gen, Ghouls are confused, Hatake Kakashi is a Troll, Humor, Kakashi is a ghoul
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27411277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphoricimage/pseuds/euphoricimage
Summary: Kakashi had a single red-and-black eye for more than half his life. Now, he has two.
Comments: 54
Kudos: 428





	1. Chapter 1

Kakashi stared at the metal surface of the building. His reflection looked back up at him. Spiky silver hair. A scar running over his left eye. Both eyes a dark grey, almost black. A navy blue mask covering the lower half of his face. A forehead protector with the word "Shinobi" engraved onto it.

It was all normal.

So why, pray tell, weren't his surroundings normal?!

He looked around himself. Buildings, many times taller than even the Hokage Tower, reached up to the sky. Metal things that were faster than a horse zoomed around everywhere. People, so many people, walked around, talking into little rectangles that _glowed_.

And the smell was awful. The choking smell of smoke, smog, and other harsh chemicals burned Kakashi's sensitive nose. He absently filtered the air in his nose with a clever application of chakra. Thank Kami he had his mask to dilute the smell somewhat.

Kaguya had been being sealed away by Naruto when the dimension around them shuddered and cracked and Kakashi came into contact with _something_. He had desperately tried to Kamui away while the thing tried to pull him in.

Then everything had gone black for a moment and Kakashi felt as if he was in the middle of a whirlpool that _just wouldn't stop_. Then the world stopped spinning and Kakashi found himself standing in the middle of the streets in a world that was so unlike his own.

It wasn't a Genjutsu. Kakashi had already checked, releasing a good size of his reserves in the Dispel technique.

What the hell happened?

The first task was to find out where exactly he was. He walked up to the nearest person who looked like he wasn't an idiot, a young man with spiky black hair and glasses, who was holding up a skateboard.

"Hello there. Do you know where we are?"

The man looked at him weirdly. "Yo dude, what's with the weird accent? Why're you talking like you're in an old-fashioned samurai movie?"

Kakashi took offense to that. He was a shinobi, not some honorable samurai. He didn't show his offense, of course. He merely eye-smiled. "Maa, I'm afraid I grew up in a rather old-fashioned family, and perhaps my speech patterns reflect it. Nothing I can do about it, I'm afraid."

"Ohhh I understand, man. Yeah, that's tough. You sound pretty cool though, not gonna lie. That mask looks sick, too. Hey, so what was your question again?"

Perhaps Kakashi was incorrect with his previous assessment. This man may indeed have been an idiot.

"Where are we? As in, what country are we in?"

The man looked at him weirdly again. "Dude. You okay there? We're in Japan."

Kakashi stared at him blankly. "I'm sorry?"

The man started looking worried. "Umm. . . you know, Japan? In Asia? The islands? Hey, you're not from a mental asylum are you?"

Kakashi could recognize the signs of panic in the man in front of him. He merely eye-smiled again. "Yes, of course I know Japan. It was a joke."

The man relaxed. "Ohhh this is one of those social experiments, isn't it?"

Kakashi had no idea what a social experiment was. "It is. Thank you for your cooperation."

And he walked away, not looking back, his mind racing as he processed the new information.

Japan? Asia? Island? What are those?

He selected his new victim, a girl about his age. "Hello there. Would you happen to know how to get to Fire Country?"

She stared at him, unimpressed. "If this is another lame pick-up line, then I swear. . ."

Kakashi held up his hands innocently. "No, it's not. I'm asking you a genuine question here. I promise."

She considered him for a moment. "I don't know what Fire Country is."

She. . . didn't know what Fire Country was?

He eye-smiled at her. "Thank you for the information."

. . .what the hell happened to him?! Where the hell is he? He can't possibly be in one of the remote villages, because the technology he saw around him was vastly superior to even the latest models in Konoha.

And so he did what any self-respecting Kage would do when in an unknown situation: he walked into the nearest library and started to gather information.

XxX

He walked out three hours later in a daze.

He was on a planet called "Earth." Specifically, in a continent called "Asia." The country's name was "Japan." He was in Tokyo, the capital.

As far as he could tell, there wasn't any chakra in this world. He wasn't Naruto with his nature chakra sensing capabilities, but he was good enough to tell that everyone around him had absolutely no chakra in their systems. They didn't even have a chakra network.

Shinobi had died out centuries ago, now nothing but folklore. And even in the old stories, this world's shinobi were nothing like him.

He would fight to the death for his comrades. He would- and had- faced a _goddess_. This world's shinobi would run away, not even attempting to fight.

Thankfully, it appeared that this world was relatively peaceful. Sure, there were definite hostilities, especially in the Middle East region, but nothing near Japan.

Well, okay. That wasn't exactly true. While Japan may not be involved in any international conflict, it certainly had its own problems.

Namely, ghouls. Beings that looked like humans and acted like humans but aren't actually human. They devour human flesh, causing pain and heartbreak. The Commission of Counter Ghoul, the CCG, was tasked to exterminate the threat.

Kakashi paused as he considered his options. He couldn't think of any way to return to his dimension- even if he were in a different dimension.

His eyes widened. Why didn't he think of that?

He briskly walked to the nearest alleyway, made sure that there was nobody nearby, then ran through a set of familiar hand seals.

_Summoning Jutsu_

Nothing. Happened. No dogs showed up.

Kakashi sighed. So he was in a different dimension that not even his pups could reach.

Kakashi had to get back to his dimension. He could try to throw something together with seals, but that would take time. In that time, he must survive in this new world. And to survive, he had to get a job.

However, this world and his had vast differences.

In this world, it appeared that people went to school for about _16 years_. Kakashi could barely handle a single year with his classmates before he noped out of there and graduated early. Nevertheless, the thing called a "college degree" seemed to be essential to get a good job. Kakashi had no such degree.

He could also try to apply to the manual labor jobs, but even those required things like "background checks" and "citizenship." Both of which he didn't have.

There was, however, one job he was certain he could get.

Ghoul investigator.

He could spin a lie about coming from a remote village. And once he showcased them his physical abilities, they'd have no choice but to accept him. Ghouls are a menace to society, and the CCG needs all the help they can get. The job itself paid pretty well too.

And so, it was with that thought in mind that he walked towards the nearest CCG center.

XxX

Everything had been working out well enough.

He'd introduced himself as Hatake Kakashi, someone looking for a job as an investigator. The receptionist looked slightly skeptical but still sent down an Investigator on the off chance that he was actually good.

The man who greeted him had been nice. Handshakes were exchanged- now that was a weird custom. When Kakashi promised him that he would be able to surpass every investigator in combat, the man had looked at him in surprise before breaking out in laughter and leading him inside the center towards the sparring arena.

Then when Kakashi walked through the metal rectangles, everything went to shit.

It started blaring. Loudly. Everyone around immediately mobilized into action, some running inside for cover, others running to cover the entrance. They were holding metal briefcases, something Kakashi recognized as their unique anti-ghoul weapon.

The man he had been with lost all traces of friendliness, instead jumping back into the crowd of investigators that soon rushed up to surround Kakashi, forming a wall.

This wasn't good.

"Maa. . . I take it that that wasn't good?" Kakashi eye-smiled, trying to salvage the situation.

"Ghoul, I can't believe that you tried to infiltrate the CCG like that. How stupid can you be?" The man he was with said in a steely tone.

"But I'm not a ghoul! I don't know why that scanner went off, I promise! I'm human." Kakashi held up his hands in the universal gesture of surrender, his eyes wide with innocence.

The investigators around him hesitated. What if the technology was wrong? And they were about to kill an innocent human?

"If you truly are a human," the man said, "Then cut yourself with this first."

And he tossed a single pen over the wall of investigators. Kakashi caught it in one hand, looking down at it. It looked normal enough. Kakashi took off the cap. It was pretty sharp too.

Kakashi sighed. "Very well, then. If you insist."

And he stabbed down at his own hand with the pen, already bracing for the inevitable pain that would follow the piercing of his skin. It's not like it would matter. Kakashi's already stabbed himself too many times to get rid of Genjutsu. He's used to the pain by now.

It didn't come. The pen tip shattered against his skin.

Kakashi looked at it in disbelief. Then he looked at the investigators around him who had taken up a stance again.

". . . That wasn't supposed to happen."

"Capture him! He must be working on the behalf of some organization to infiltrate us!" The man roared.

And the men surged forward, their weapons glinting menacingly.

Kakashi sighed once more.

XxX

Kakashi strolled out of the CCG center with his hands in his pockets, a line of bodies collapsed behind him. All unconscious, of course. He didn't strike any of them lethally enough.

That was really, really weird. Was he a ghoul? Had Kaguya made him into a ghoul?

He had to test this.

He walked into the nearest alleyway, pulled out a kunai, and stabbed down at his hand. It bounced off, the skin not even showing signs of damage.

Well then. That wasn't normal.

Think, what other characteristics do ghouls have? Immunity to damage from normal weapons, a kakugan, a kagune that extended from their body- and an inability to eat normal human food.

Of course.

Kakashi walked out of the alleyway again. He really should've applied a henge, but after researching this world, there weren't really any threats to him.

He was faster than bullets. He had access to chakra. Grenades were nothing but technological explosive seals. They could theoretically drop a bomb on him, but there would be a lot of civilian casualties and likely a political outrage.

All in all, there wasn't really anything anyone could do to him.

He was a Kage-level shinobi in a land of civilians. A Kage. A person- no. A monster who can fight against entire villages and walk out without a scratch.

And. . . well, it's been quite a while since he was able to mess with people. His genin had grown up, and he even had to stop his antics in Konoha because of the Akatsuki attack. Being able to screw around with people's minds again. . . this would be fun.

XxX

He pickpocketed several snobbishly rich people. Rich people who would push people out of the way, rich people that would walk past beggars without a second look, rich people who had bags upon bags of clothing that even they couldn't carry so they hired people that could.

Kakashi felt no remorse stealing from these types of people.

With the new currency in his pocket, yen, he walked into a restaurant. He quickly ordered his favorites: salt-broiled saury and miso soup with eggplant.

He just fought against a goddess. He deserved some comfort food.

The waitress came with the order, balancing the tray in her hands. Her attention was focused on a wall-mounted television (the quality was amazing) in the corner of the room.

There was a dark-haired reporter talking. The headlines, "Ghoul attacks CCG Center in the 20th Ward," blazed across the screen in large, bold characters.

"A ghoul with white hair and a navy blue face mask deliberately attacked a CCG Center just minutes ago. I'm live on the scene, talking to one of the investigators caught in the attack," The reporter offered the microphone to the man besides her.

It was the man Kakashi had been talking to. He had several bruises already forming on his face.

The waitress set down his food, the only thing remaining on the tray being a glass of juice that Kakashi presumed somebody else had ordered.

"This ghoul is dangerous. If it weren't for our advanced training and determination to protect the public-" Kakashi scoffed. This was clearly a public relations spiel. Kakashi had _devastated_ all of them, and the only reason why they weren't dead is because Kakashi didn't blame them for attacking. He was a ghoul, after all, and it was their job to kill ghouls. "-we likely would've all perished. Thankfully, we were able to avoid casualties."

Kakashi wasn't going to kill someone on his first day in a new dimension.

The television switched back to the reporter. "We have exclusive footage of the attack. Do be warned, this is graphically violent, and viewer discretion is advised."

The screen flickered before changing over to an aerial view of the room Kakashi had been in. He saw himself beating up the Investigators.

It was a one-sided fight. Any viewer, even someone who'd never seen Taijutsu before, could tell that much.

"Hey, you know, that man kind of looks like you," The waitress beside him commented, focused on the screen.

Kakashi eye-smiled. Wait for it. . .

The waitress looked down at him, smiling reassuringly. "No offense, of course. It's just that you both-"

She froze. The tray balanced on her hand slipped from her grasp. Glass shattered on the floor, the loud sound drawing the attention of everyone in the restaurant. Every head swiveled over to stare at them.

The waitress raised a trembling finger. "Y-y-you're identical to that man. . . Your clothes, your posture, even your gray hair."

Every eye glanced up at the television which was still replaying Kakashi's fight. The footage had surprisingly good quality. The CCG didn't scrimp on purchasing surveillance cameras, it seemed.

Every eye then looked back at Kakashi. Kakashi could literally hear the gears turning in people's heads. He saw the moment everything clicked.

It was as if white chalk powder had been thrown in the room. Every face turned pale. Some started hyperventilating.

Kakashi merely eye-smiled. "Maa, I have no idea what you're talking about. The man on the television has gray hair. I have _silver_ hair. There's a difference, you see."

Nobody was convinced; if anything, they seemed to grow even more fearful. Kakashi wrinkled his nose as one overweight man vomited onto the floor.

Oh well. Kakashi had screwed around with everyone enough. It's time for him to eat.

He broke apart the chopsticks, muttered a quick "Itadakimasu" and placed a piece of eggplant in his mouth.

Foul was the first word that came to his mind. Disgusting. Revolting. Abhorrent. The texture, once comforting, reminded Kakashi of rotting corpses. It tasted like feet and mold and spoilt milk.

He tried to keep it in his mouth but the feeling overwhelmed him. He spit it out, coughing.

No. This wasn't enough evidence. It could've just been a really low quality eggplant. He shoveled more food into his mouth, gagging at the taste. They were all disgusting. Kakashi spit it all out once more.

He grabbed the bowl of miso soup, ignoring how the hot porcelain scorched his skin, and drank from it. He didn't even last 2 seconds. Everything left his mouth, going back into the bowl.

His mouth burned from the heat and his tongue seemed to have curled up into itself but all of his physical reaction paled against his mental turmoil.

He had the ghoul's skin. He had the ghoul's tongue. He was a ghoul.

He was a ghoul.

He was a ghoul. A being that could only survive by devouring human flesh.

. . .

Kakashi sighed deeply, leaning back into his chair. The wood dug uncomfortably in his back but he ignored it.

This was unfortunate. Kakashi had rather liked being a human. It could've been worse, Kakashi reasoned. He could've been reborn as a 15 meter tall giant with no reproductive organs.

In fact, being a ghoul didn't change anything. Kakashi felt the same as before. The only difference now is that he has to eat humans instead of animals.

. . . damn. It looks like that one rumor proved to be true in the end.

Kakashi blinked. Where had everyone gone? The restaurant was deserted.

He heard rapid footsteps approaching from the outside. He looked outside the windows. 32 men in black body armor had formed a barricade around the restaurant. He extended his senses. There were people in the back as well. Oh, there were even people on the roof. How thorough. He was blocked off from all escape.

"Squads, assemble! Jellyfish position!"

The CCG has arrived, it seemed.

"Ready. . . aim. . . OPEN FIRE!"

Kakashi's eyes widened. They couldn't possibly be-

A hail of bullets streaked into the room, punching through the windows and flimsy wood.

Kakashi flipped through the necessary handsigns in less than a second. An earth wall reinforced with chakra rose from the ground, greeting the bullets and meeting them head on.

The wall won, of course. Chakra was an amazing thing.

XxX

They stopped the assault after about 20 seconds.

"Cease fire!" Lieutenant Takeshi yelled. He had been promoted recently, and hasn't seen much action. The 20th ward was renowned for being safe, after all.

Immediately after the attack on the CCG center, the CCG HQ went into an uproar.

A direct attack by a ghoul. That used nonlethal measures. That didn't use his kagune- or even activate his kakugan.

It was an insult, a direct challenge to the CCG's power. HQ had quickly mobilized. Literal seconds after the attack, the CCG diverted all of the 20th ward's resources to find and take down this "Kakashi"- no doubt a fake name he had given to the receptionist.

The CCG had expected Codename Kakashi to melt away into the darkness. The CCG Technical Team had fully expected to spend several sleepless nights combing through all the security footage in the 20th Ward, trying to figure out where Kakashi was.

Then, not even 10 minutes after the attack, the CCG received multiple calls and alerts from a restaurant within walking distance from the CCG center. All of which concerning Codename Kakashi.

The CCG's dispatchers had been skeptical at first. A ghoul strolling into a restaurant in broad daylight right after a very public attack? No way. It had to be a prank.

Then all of their phones buzzed at once. They checked it- and promptly flew into action. On every social media platform were pictures of Codename Kakashi in the restaurant. An investigator not too badly injured in the attack was called over.

He made the positive face ID in a second. Then he properly looked at the picture and blanched in horror.

The CCG ignored the strangeness of the situation- after all, ghouls can't eat human food- and called everyone in the vicinity over.

As a result, not even 2 minutes after the initial call, 4 CCG Rapid Response Teams had converged on the location. Investigators were on the way, presumably stuck in traffic.

Takeshi felt pride in the CCG. The CCG had responded impossibly quickly. A level of competency and efficiency unheard of in any government organization.

Thankfully, Codename Kakashi hadn't done anything yet. Every customer and employee had been safely evacuated from the building, leaving only Codename Kakashi inside.

Takeshi probably should've waited for the Investigators to arrive, but that would've taken too long. Besides, if the Investigators fought Codename Kakashi in melee combat, they would probably lose.

Kakashi had taken on nearly 13 Investigators by himself and walked out without a scratch.

They needed Senior Investigators- seasoned ghoul-killing experts. Unfortunately, there had been none in the 20th Ward. All of the Senior Investigators were in the other wards, where violence occurred on a daily basis.

Besides all that, Takeshi was _furious_. Codename Kakashi had strolled into the Center and _hurt his friends_. Takeshi knew the people that were injured. He had talked with them, laughed with them. And Codename Kakashi hurt them.

Which is what led him to command the Teams to unleash a lethal barrage of gunfire.

Codename Kakashi was boxed in with nowhere to go. The front entrance was covered. The employee exit in the back had a team blocking it as well. Sniper lined the rooftops, ready to shoot the second they had a clear shot.

It was the perfect setup. There was no way for Codename Kakashi to have lived.

Takeshi grinned viciously. Ghouls were the scum of the earth, and they deserved to die. Today, he helped eradicate evil.

Slowly, the dust and smoke cleared from the restaurant. The wall had been nearly completely destroyed under the force of all the bullets. No doubt the CCG would have to pay for damages.

It was worth it. Evil had to be killed at all costs.

Wait. There was movement-

Codename Kakashi calmly strolled out of the scene of destruction, hands planted in his pockets and back slightly bent in a slouch.

There was not a single hair out of place. Codename Kakashi was completely untouched.

"Maa, is this some sort of welcoming reception?" Codename Kakashi eye-smiled at them.

All 32 men backed away in fear. 20 seconds of gunfire. 10 bullets per second. 32 men. In total, 6400 bullets had been unleashed into the restaurant.

And this ghoul was completely _untouched?!_

"Fire!" Takeshi yelled again, this time out of desperation instead of righteous fury.

The men carried out his order immediately, squeezing down on triggers. On the rooftops, the snipers finally had a clear shot, and they fired as one, bullets shooting out faster than the speed of sound.

Codename Kakashi disappeared.

"Cease fire, cease fire!" Takeshi yelled. "Where the fuck did he go?!"

They all looked around. Codename Kakashi was nowhere to be seen.

"Damnit," Takeshi cursed. He pulled out his radio and practically shouted into it. "Sniper Team 1! Do you have a visual on Codename Kakashi?"

A slight delay, a small buzz of static.

Then: " _Codename_ Kakashi? You realize that 'Kakashi' is my real name, correct?"

Takeshi's blood went cold. He looked up.

The men close enough to hear the radio froze in shock before swiveling their guns upwards towards the roof.

There. Codename Kakashi was looking down at them with an amused smile on his face, a radio receiver held in his hand. "I see you've found me."

Takeshi growled. "What the fuck did you do to my men?"

"Nothing, nothing. I just put them to sleep for a little while. Well, I'd love to stay and talk, but I have things to do. Have a nice day~"

Then, with one last mocking wave, Codename Kakashi disappeared again. There wasn't even a blur- one moment he was there, the next he was gone.

"God damnit!"

XxX

Kakashi exited the perfectly executed shunshin, lightly landing on the ground, a good distance away from the restaurant.

He had two options now. The first was to lay low until he finds a way back to his dimension.

The second is to screw around with everyone until he finds a way back to his dimension.

The choice was clear.

Kakashi smirked under his mask. The CCG won't know what hit them.


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi strolled up the side of a hotel. A minor genjutsu made it so that any onlooker would only see a slight shimmer, like a heat haze.

Kakashi wasn't going to sleep outside for the night. Not in such an unknown environment, with cameras all around. Besides, he just fought a _goddess._ He deserved to spend the night in luxury.

When he finally reached the third-to-top floor, Kakashi walked over to an unoccupied room and used a quick wind jutsu to cut away at the glass to form a small hole just wide enough for him to squeeze through. Fortunately, there didn't appear to be any security measures- but then again, this was a hotel, not an office building of a mob boss in Chicago.

The circular piece of glass held securely by a Kage Bunshin outside of the building, Kakashi squeezed through the hole and landed lightly inside. Then, having the Kage Bunshin hold the glass in place, Kakashi used a fire jutsu to melt the edges of the glass. The glass cooled down to reveal a repaired, albeit slightly deformed, window.

Kakashi nodded. Good enough. The Kage Bunshin dispelled, and Kakashi turned to inspect the insides of the hotel room.

It was spacious. It was luxurious. And there were about 26 different openings that a shinobi could exploit to assassinate the person inside.

Kakashi sighed. He wanted to sleep, he really did. He fought a goddess. Then he was tossed into a new world. And for the coup de grace, he wasn't even human anymore; he was a ghoul, a veritable monster.

Although he supposed he had been a monster long before he was turned into a ghoul.

Decades of instinct and paranoia took over, and Kakashi spent the next hour making the room safe. Genjutsu over the door? Check. Genjutsu over the window? Check. Security seals inscribed on every surface Kakashi could get to? Check (Kage Bunshin were wonderful things. Bless the Nidaime.)

With everything done, Kakashi brushed his teeth, took a shower, got out, got back into the bath because hey, he deserved it, then finally collapsed onto the soft king-sized bed.

This hotel was _really_ nice.

He should get started on modifying the Hiraishin to allow him to return to his own dimension. Tomorrow. For now, he needs to sleep.

XxX

"Kakashi is back."

Those three words sent the entire CCG Center into disarray. Pencils went flying up, cups were dropped, coffee was spit out.

"Where?"

"Is he in a dark alleyway?"

"Were our cameras enough to find his hideout?"

An analyst rapidly typed on his keyboard, taking control of the television mounted on the wall. Several footages popped up.

They were all of Kakashi walking down the streets, hands in his pockets, looking as he gave no damns in the world.

Those who had enough self-control to not spit out their coffee initially now spit them out.

"Is. . . is he stupid?"

"Dumbass! He took out all of us yesterday without a scratch! He's not stupid, he's arrogant!"

"What the hell are we supposed to do? Main HQ didn't think Kakashi would be active for another week at least! All of the good investigators aren't here yet!"

"We're going to get slaughtered like yesterday if we engage in battle!"

"Do we call for backup? Should we send out a Rapid Response Team?"

"That's the same as sending them to their _deaths_!"

A low, somewhat insane chuckle rang throughout the room.

All eyes turned towards the offender- and they all immediately relaxed.

"Oh right. He's here. I almost forgot about that."

First Class Ghoul Investigator Kureo Mado and his partner (read: assistant) Koutaro Amon calmly walked forward, clinically scanning the feeds shown above.

"Well, now, Amon-kun. Isn't this interesting? Typically we have to go out to find ghouls. But now, it appears they're looking for us."

A fire blazed in the young Investigator's eyes. "If he's looking for a fight, we'll give him one. And he won't be the one walking out alive."

"Ah, ah, ah. Patience." Mado wagged a finger at Amon. "What does it tell you, that he's walking around in broad daylight looking as if he hasn't got a single care in the world?"

Amon hesitated, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "There are two possibilities here. One: he's brain-damaged. Two: he's so powerful, he doesn't need to worry about us coming after him."

Mado chuckled once again. It was an eerie sound. Two CCG employees had once surreptitiously recorded Mado's chuckle, then presented it to several young children, asking if they thought it was a human or a ghoul's chuckle. All of them had answered "ghoul."

"Only two possiblities? Try again."

Amon looked up, surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, as always, you see, but you do not _observe_."

"That's Sherlock you're stealing from."

"We're both detectives. The only difference between us is that I just happen to kill my suspects." Mado clapped his gloved hands together. "Now then. All of you seem to either think he's stupid, or he's strong. But neither are correct."

Amon frowned. "Then which is it? A bastardized combination of both?"

Mado shook his head. "No. Kakashi is strong, there's no denying it. From what we've seen so far, I wouldn't hesitate to place him at A-ranked, perhaps even S-rank. No, the thing you're all missing here is that he's _smart_."

"Smart?" Amon turned to face the television, where they could see live feeds of Kakashi asking a petrified young man a question. Amon turned back to Mado, an incredulous look on his face. "He's walking around. Without a disguise. In _broad daylight_."

"Amon, OBSERVE, will you?" The sudden shout made Amon jump a little. "Don't look at his surface actions, look underneath! _Look at his eyes!"_

Amon's frown deepened. "His eyes?" He turned to look at the television, and he saw, and, most importantly, he _observed_.

Kakashi's eyes weren't still, far from it. They were constantly revolving around, fast little twitches that, if a person wasn't looking for it, they wouldn't see it. But now that Amon concentrated, he could definitely see how Kakashi was intently analyzing his surroundings.

"Precisely," Mado spread out his arms. "He acts like a fool. But he's not unaware, far from it. On the surface, it looks as if he doesn't care about anything, but underneath, it's obvious that he's looking for any signs of danger and trouble. No, not just looking for. He's anticipating, he's _welcoming_ danger."

"Which means," Amon breathed in horror. "He's. . ."

"He's setting a trap," Mado grimly finished. "A trap for _us_. He's the bait, and we're the prey."

Amon slammed his fist into his palm. "That doesn't matter. Even if it's a trap, we can still defeat-"

"You fool! Didn't you hear what I just said?" Mado pointed at Kakashi. "He's the bait." He pointed at himself. "We're the prey."

And Mado leered at Amon. "So who's the _predator_?"

"We don't know," Amon whirled back to face the screen. Kakashi was still ambling along. He looked bored, but Amon now knew that he was anything but.

"A ghoul organization? Perhaps Aogiri Tree? Or maybe Kakashi is just working with a small group of highly-elite, lethal ghouls. Whatever the case, if the CCG goes in now like they did yesterday, they will surely die."

"Right. Yesterday was just to make us mad, make us hungry for revenge. Today, he's trying to exploit our anger to lure us into a trap, hoping that we're too blinded by our madness to see clearly." Amon glared at Kakashi. "I don't like him."

Mado turned around, serenely walking away. "He's a ghoul, of course you don't like him."

"Wait, where are you going?" Amon asked, taking his eyes off of the television.

Mado looked back at him, a crazed smile on his face. "We're walking into his trap, of course."

Amon blinked. "Didn't you just say that if we went in now, we would surely die?"

Mado chuckled. "I said that if the CCG went in like they did yesterday, they would surely die. Only difference is, _we_ weren't there yesterday. A group of highly-elite, lethal groups should be no problem for us, right?"

Amon smiled, flames of determination roaring to life in his heart. "Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!"

Silence greeted his declaration. Amon looked around the office. It was empty, save for a few analysts.

"W-where did everyone go?" Amon directed to a random analyst, who looked up with a frantic expression on his face.

"Sir, they left already while you two were in the middle of your discussion. They said they couldn't wait any longer, lest any civilians get hurt."

"Oh," Mado scratched his head, looking at the television. "We should probably hurry."

"DAMNIT!"

But even as Amon rushed out of the center, briefcase in hand and heart pounding, he couldn't get one thought out of his head.

Why did it look like Kakashi was crying?

It must've been a trick of the light, Amon decided. A glitch in the camera.

XxX

It was unusual for the crowd to be silent on a Tuesday morning. There should have been a dull roar of hundreds of citizens all talking at once. And yet, everything was silent.

Kakashi's hands were planted in his pockets as he ambled down the street. There seemed to be a bubble around him as the crowd parted before him like Moses and the sea.

Some were brave enough to run away. Others were so scared, they could only quiver and shake as Kakashi passed by.

Kakashi, for his part, didn't pay them any heed. He had more important things to do.

"Mama, is that a ghoul?"

"Shut the _fuck_ up kid! Don't let him hear you!"

"But why is he crying?"

And indeed, he was. A tear trickled down his cheek. His eyes were filled with desolation and emptiness, like a thousand-yard stare of a man that's seen too much death- a fairly accurate description. He radiated sadness and agony.

Kakashi wasn't ashamed to admit that he was crying. There was a very, very good reason for it.

His Icha Icha collection was gone.

He had left it at his apartment in Konoha (because who takes porn into the Fourth Great Shinobi War.) He regrets his decision so, so much.

Kakashi should've just stored his collection in a storage seal like he normally did. But he didn't, and now he has to pay the price.

He needs to find a replacement. He'll probably never find one as good as Jiraiya-sama's masterpiece, but one close enough will do.

His collection. His highly-personalized, limited editions, autographed, ultra-rare collection. All gone.

Kakashi held back a whimper.

XxX

"Do we know the plan?"

"SIR YES SIR!"

"Good. This won't be like yesterday. Let's get him. Many of us may die in the process, and even more will probably sustain injuries that may never heal, but it's for the sake of the public. We have to protect the civilians- we have to protect humanity!"

"Umm, sir, this operation calls for, umm, a lot of bullets. Bullets that cost a lot of money. And we don't have a guarantee that it'll even work- you saw how fast Kakashi was yesterday. Umm, we should probably just retreat for now. Like, we should really really really retreat. Kakashi isn't even doing anything bad yet-"

"What's your name and rank?"

"Umm, Guren Nanimo, and I'm new, so I'm the lowest rank-"

"WRONG. YOU ARE NOW HEREBY KNOWN AS 'BITCH BOY', WITH THE RANK OF 'BITCH BOY.' NOW KNEEL DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND GET READY TO SHOOT."

XxX

Kakashi's fingers twitched, and there was a hungry look in his eyes. The only tears left on his face were tears of happiness.

Marvelous.

He had walked into the bookstore expecting to find some mediocre literotica. He found porn manga instead.

Manga in the Elemental Nations was rare, even rarer than movies, but they existed. Kakashi had never liked them that much because the plots were often disappointing and droll.

But in this world, it appeared that manga was so successful, there was a whole porn subsection.

Kakashi giggled as he flipped a page, drinking in the scenes before his eyes.

Marvelous.

"I'll take your entire stock," Kakashi called out to the clerk, eyes not moving off of the page.

There wasn't a response. Kakashi looked up, frowning. Oh. He had run off already.

Kakashi had been so polite too.

Oh well. He'll just take it and leave the money on the counter. Pickpocketing rich assholes this morning had been harder than usual, because nobody went even 10 feet within him, but he'd managed it.

Kakashi giggled once more. _You sly dog_.

He snapped the marvelous work of art shut, then sealed the entire series into a storage seal. He dropped a stack of bills on top of the countertop, with a small tip as an apology, then strolled out.

"Yo!" Kakashi eye-smiled at the men pointing guns at him. Three helicopters buzzed overhead. He counted at least 30 snipers on the rooftop, all of them undoubtedly aiming at various parts of his body. Much more men than yesterday.

"Kakashi. Are you stupid? Did you really think we'll let you walk around this city like you own it with no repercussions?" Hey, it was the same investigator yesterday that had greeted him at the Center.

"Time?"

The man blinked. "Sorry?"

"What's the time?" Kakashi repeated.

"Why does it matter to you?"

Kakashi looked down at his pant leg, where the storage seal full of porn manga was sealed. "Because I have important matters to attend to, so I can't waste too much time on you guys. Don't worry, I'm sure I can spare a minute or two, but this can't drag out too long."

" **FIRE! KILL THIS MOTHER FU-"** The rest of his words were drowned out by the sudden hail of gunfire.

Kakashi sighed. How troublesome. Perhaps he should've put on a Henge.

And they're shooting at him again? Hadn't they learned from yesterday?

Bullets. Don't. Work.

Or perhaps they just hoped that _more_ bullets would be effective. Rather, a tremendous amount of bullets. Holy hell, it was literally as if there was a metal wall of death in front of him.

Just as the first supersonic sniper bullet reached him, Kakashi _blurred_ out of existence.

He wasn't stupid enough to do the same thing as yesterday. The CCG seems to have at least partially learned from their mistake. There was a squad of men guarding the snipers themselves. In fact, the men seem to be shooting randomly into the air, presumably so if Kakashi suddenly appeared, he'll be right in the path of a bullet.

Kakashi nodded in satisfaction. The CCG wasn't completely incompetent.

Finished with his inner analysis, Kakashi glanced around the interior of the helicopter. Two men were shaking, pointing handguns at him. The pilot, thankfully, was still oblivious, so the helicopter wasn't in any danger of crashing.

"What's up?" Kakashi greeted with a two-fingered peace sign. His hands shot forward, grabbing the guns and deftly disarming both men. Kakashi idly tossed the guns out of the open door.

"Can you please drop me off over there?" Kakashi pointed off to the distance at a small park. Tokyo was too. . . metal for his taste. He wanted to see some trees again. Being away from the Holy Log for so long was taking its toll on Kakashi.

The men looked at each other. They nodded, an unspoken agreement passing between each other.

Kakashi gulped. He didn't like the look in their eyes. It was the same look Kakashi often had when he was about to do something very stupid and likely suicidal.

Then, without a moment's warning, both men charged at Kakashi, fully intent on tackling him out of the open helicopter door.

Kakashi rolled his eyes, sidestepped around them, and knocked them both unconscious.

The radio buzzed in one of the men's pockets. Kakashi smirked. He's getting a sense of deja vu here.

XxX

"Cease fire! Cease fire!"

Everyone anxiously looked at the spot where Kakashi had been. There was a _lot_ of smoke. When it cleared, like yesterday, it revealed that Kakashi was nowhere to be seen.

Then, in unison, everyone swiveled their gazes to the roofs. If Kakashi did the same thing as yesterday, then he would've been taken out by the ambush squads guarding the snipers.

"Sniper Team 1, 2, 3, 4, report in. Any visual on Kakashi?"

"No sir no."

"No sir no."

"No sir no."

"No sir no."

Everyone frowned. Where was Kakashi-

"HOLY SHIT THERE'S NO WAY. HELICOPTER SQUADS, REPORT ASAP."

"Helicopter Squad 1, all clear, no signs of Kakashi."

"Helicopter Squad 2, all clear, no wounds on my person."

"Helicopter Squad 3, all cle- wait what the fuck did you just say?"

". . ."

"Hey, umm, this is the pilot of Helicopter Squad 2. What the hell is going on back there? I can't see."

"Maa, I need a ride. Can you drop me off around 36 degrees to the right? Thanks."

XxX

"Kaneki, which do you think is better, a cheeseburger with caviar or-" Hide was abruptly cut off when he caught sight of something in the distance. "Say, Kaneki, what is that?"

Kaneki turned around, just in time to see something dropping down in the air from a helicopter. "Was. . . was that a person?"

Hide frowned. "There's no way, right? It was probably a stunt for a movie. Or a dummy that was dropped down."

Kaneki nodded. "That must be it. Cheeseburgers with caviar sounds ghastly. Hey, what should I do when I go on the date with Rize?"

XxX

Kakashi landed lightly on his feet. The pilot had been nice enough to comply with his every demand. He had tried to crash the helicopter at first (how brave and honorable of him), but Kakashi just casually pointed the sharp end of a kunai at the pilot's comrades and told the pilot that if he tried to crash the helicopter, Kakashi would simply jump out first, rendering the pilot's brave sacrifice a useless failure. And that was that.

He'll play with the CCG later. For now, he has things to read.

XxX

Mado and Amon rushed onto the scene, Quinques out and ready for a fight to the death.

"Where is he?" Mado growled.

There were bashful looks being shared by everyone. "Gone, sir."

"Why did you all rush off without us?" Amon demanded. "If you had waited for us, we could've gotten him!"

"We had to do _something_!" The man yelled. "We had to act. The public was at risk! What if Kakashi suddenly went onto a killing spree?"

Mado sighed. "Fools everywhere. Kakashi wasn't going to harm anyone; he was preparing for us. We had plenty of time to plan it out. Do we know where he is now?"

". . . he fell down from a helicopter around that area, sir."

Mado blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"I don't know how, but he somehow went from here," the man pointed at the spot riddled with bullet holes on the ground, "to a helicopter in the sky."

Mado paled considerably. "Are you certain?"

"I am. We don't know how he did it. He was faster than our _sniper bullets_."

Mado turned to Amon. "My apologies, Amon-kun. It appears I've made a mistake."

Amon frowned. "What's wrong?"

"He's not A-rank, or even S-rank," For the first time since Amon's met him, Mado seemed almost fearful. "He's SSS, perhaps even higher."

XxX

Kakashi lounged in the tree with a Henge on. He didn't want any more disturbances today.

Kakashi let out another giggle when Soujiro finally understood her intentions. _Go get her._

The sound of footsteps drew Kakashi's attention. Kakashi gave an internal sigh when he saw a group of CCG agents rush into the park.

"Excuse me, but did you see a white-haired man drop down from the sky?"

Kakashi blinked innocently, twirling around a strand of purple hair. "I'm so sorry officer," he spoke in a high, cutesy voice. "I didn't see a thing."

"Miss, are you sure? You didn't see a man drop down from the sky?"

Kakashi pursed his lips. "No. Why, what happened?"

The men looked at each other before shrugging helplessly. "Nothing, miss. We need you to leave this area right now. It's not safe. There's a ghoul around."

Kakashi gasped in surprise. "Oh no! A ghoul! How _terrible!_ Umm, where is he though?"

"We don't know. That's why we need you to leave."

"But I just want to read," Kakashi whined.

The men froze. "Wait. Are you holding a book?"

Kakashi froze as well. "Aw shit," he spoke in his regular voice.

One chakra smoke jutsu and Shunshin later, Kakashi was gone.

In retrospect, he probably shouldn't have brought up that he was reading a book right after he had exited a bookstore. Unfortunate.

XxX

"He crossdressed."

"What?"

"He was a girl. He had put on a wig, applied makeup, and changed his voice."

"What?"

"He was pretty cute too, not gonna lie."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, and he got away."

"Okay."

XxX

"What do you think about this Kakashi they've been talking about?" The blue-haired waitress asked an old man while wiping down the counter. Her eyes were fixed on the television mounted on the wall, playing the news of the day.

Yoshimura hummed in thought. "He's an unknown. A powerful one. We don't know what his purpose is yet. For now, stay vigilant, and don't get killed. We don't know if he's friendly towards fellow ghouls."

"And the CCG isn't going to take this lying down, huh?"

"Indeed. The CCG is enraged by Kakashi, and they're already sending a large number of experienced Investigators over to take down Kakashi. If we're not careful, the 20th Ward may no longer be a safe haven for ghouls, and instead become a battlefield."

Touka sighed. "This shitty Kakashi. And I thought the Binge Eater was bad."

Yoshimura chuckled. "My dear, there are monsters out there that would make the Binge Eater look like a playful child."

He turned around and began walking away. "I just hope Kakashi isn't one of them."


	3. Chapter 3

Kakashi sighed contentedly when he finished the first 5 volumes. It was a fantastic read.

He stood up from the top of the crane he was sitting on. The air up here was cool and refreshing. Less pollution. No stinking people (seriously, it's as if people didn't know what deodorant was.)

He stared off at the sunset. He had spent a good chunk of the day reading.

Nobody seemed to have noticed him up here. Kakashi looked down. Everything looked like little dots from this height.

Well, he has work to do. He released the chakra sticking him to the crane then jumped off, free-falling to the ground.

The wind rushed through his hair and adrenaline coursed through his system. His senses screamed out at him as every nerve was lit aflame with exhilaration. Kakashi smiled underneath his mask.

It was fun. Kakashi could rarely do stuff like this, because the last time he jumped off of the Hokage Mountain, he was. . . disciplined by the Sandaime for "setting a bad example goddamnit Kakashi I swear if I see a single Genin do the same thing you did then I will shove my pipe so far up your-"

As the ground neared, Kakashi performed a flawless Kawarimi, effortlessly switching out with a rock on a window ledge. He precariously balanced on the ledge, using the slightest bits of chakra to attach himself, and watched the rock smash to pieces below him.

His body parallel to the ground, Kakashi walked down the side of the building, weaving a minor genjutsu around him. When he reached the ground, Kakashi dropped the genjutsu, absently applied a Henge, and made his way back to the hotel room.

XxX

Special Class Investigator Yukinori Shinohara and his partner Rank 3 Investigator Juuzou "The Psycho-kid" Suzuya walked into the CCG Center of the 20th Ward.

Chaos. Absolute chaos.

Analysts, running around like chickens whose heads were cut off, were talking into multiple phones at once. Rapid Response Teams kneeling down, eyes pointed straight ahead and alight with determination while drill sergeants screamed into their faces.

Kureo Mado, Shinohara's first partner and friend, sitting on a chair, staring at a cup of coffee in his hands.

Amon Koutaro, doing push-ups in the corner with his shirt off.

"Mado-san, what's going on?" Shinohara politely inquired, setting down his metal briefcase and taking a seat across from Mado.

Mado looked up, an unrecognizable look in his eyes. "Good evening, Shinohara-san. You're here because of Kakashi, I take it?"

Shinohara nodded, slightly worried. "Yes, HQ sent me to coordinate with all 20th Center Branch members to eliminate the ghoul Codename: Kakashi. I was one of the only free Special Class Investigators they had on hand, so they sent me and my partner, Suzuya-kun."

Special Class Investigators were incredibly rare. You couldn't just be strong. You had to be smart, have leadership, and be able to adapt on the fly.

Shinohara was one of the best the CCG had to offer. Sending him here showed just how serious the CCG was about taking out Kakashi.

Mado sighed. "Shinohara-san. The entire 20th CCG Center is in pandemonium because of what Kakashi did this morning."

Shinohara nodded. "I know. That's why they sent me."

Mado shook his head. "No, neither you nor the CCG truly _knows_. Kakashi, somehow, someway, managed to travel from the ground to a helicopter _still in the air_. All while dodging Q Bullets."

Shinohara blinked. "Wait, what?"

"His speed may even exceed Arima-san's."

Shinohara stared slack-jawed at Mado's words. "F-faster than Arima-san?!" He shook his head in denial. Such a thing wasn't possible. No no no. Definitely not.

"He has mastery over close-range combat. One look at the surveillance video when he attacked the CCG Center would tell you that. His speed and maneuverability is god-like. A battle against Kakashi would be immensely difficult."

Shinohara leaned back in his chair and smirked. "But not impossible, am I correct, old friend?"

An eager, excited, _wild_ smile spread across Mado's face. "Of course."

Off to the corner Amon looked up. "Hold up. Are you saying we're going to fight Kakashi?"

Mado chuckled. "Oh, Amon-kun, don't you know my ambition? My one goal in life?"

Amon frowned. "You've never told me."

"I need to kill the Owl," Mado grinned. A grin that most would expect to appear on an insane person. "Compared to him, Kakashi is _nothing_."

Shinohara stood up. "Well then. Shall we plan out our strategy then?"

Mado drained the coffee and slammed down his cup, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. "Absolutely."

Shinohara smiled - before he heard a familiar voice scream out "MAGGOT, YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS! GIVE ME ONE HUNDRED, NO, TWO HUNDRED PUSHUPS RIGHT NOW!"

Shinohara groaned. "Excuse me for one moment. SUZUYA, GET BACK HERE. YOU'RE AN INVESTIGATOR, NOT A DRILL SERGEANT."

Suzuya jogged over disappointedly. "Aw man. Screaming at those men was fun. Why can't we do it?"

Shinohara sighed. "Because it's not proper. Mado-san, Amon-san, this is Suzuya Juuzou, my partner."

"Nice to meetcha!" Suzuya held up two fingers in greeting.

Amon stretched out his hand. "Nice to meet you too."

The seconds dragged on as Suzuya stared at the extended appendage.

"Suzuya-kun, you're supposed to shake his hand," Shinohara explained patiently.

"OHH, I understand. I thought he wanted to fight, and you told me to never fight a comrade, so I was thinking about how to defeat him without you noticing-"

"Just shake his damn hand."

XxX

This was. . . aggravating, to say the least.

Kakashi stared down at the Hiraishin seal. He had tried once when he was younger to recreate the original Hiraishin. He had given up within the first three days.

And now, decades later, Kakashi once again not only had to figure out how the Hiraishin worked, but also to add an extra dimensional factor.

It wasn't going well.

XxX

Several hours later, Kakashi once again collapsed on the hotel bed, sinking into the soft cushion.

He had made absolutely no progress that afternoon. Even with his own unparalleled genius, Kakashi had been unable to figure out even the first layer.

This was going to take a _long_ time. Months, perhaps even years.

And until then, Kakashi would be stuck in this new world without chakra or shinobi.

Most importantly, Kakashi wouldn't be with his friends and comrades and cute little students.

He sighed. While he enjoyed a little time to himself, as much as he hated to admit it, he'd grown accustomed to being with people.

As much as he hated to admit it, Kakashi wanted a friend. Or at least someone to talk to.

XxX

"I, too, happen to be interested in you."

And she embraced his trembling, eager form, bringing her head against his shoulder, and bit down.

Kaneki rarely swore. But he felt justified in this case. "Bitch what the fuck - OH SHIT GHOUL!"

XxX

"Kakashi will be wandering around tomorrow," Mado announced grimly.

Shinohara tilted his head. "How do you know?"

"It's in his nature. He's arrogant, and he wants to showcase his power. He already survived multiple CCG attempts on his life, why not another one?"

"That does make sense in a twisted sort of way," Shinohara raised his hand to his chin, deep in thought. "We just need to anticipate where he will be, then set a trap. The four of us should be able to take care of him."

Suzuya raised his hand. "Umm. . . I don't mean to be pessimistic here, but can the four of us even defeat him?"

Shinohara smiled patiently at Suzuya. "Kakashi may be fast, and he may be strong, but against the four of us, it'll be a winnable fight."

Mado nodded. "Do not underestimate our abilities, Suzuya. Shinohara and I are known as CCG's best for a reason. I also have faith in Amon-kun and you as well."

Amon pounded his fist into his palm. "Kakashi is going down."

"Yeah, but didn't he dodge sniper bullets that were traveling faster than the speed of sound?" Suzuya asked innocently.

Shinohara shook his head. "Whenever somebody says the speed of sound, people tend to think of insanely fast undodgeable things - but that isn't true. For example, a whip can travel faster than the speed of sound, but we can still dodge those. Kakashi was probably anticipating the sniper bullets and had began dodging the second he saw the muzzle flash, and perhaps even before that."

"Kakashi most likely has an ukaku kagune," Mado pressed his fingers against each other. "He'll tire quickly, and once he does, he'll slow down exponentially. There's a reason why Kakashi hasn't been fighting the CCG squads head-on."

"There's too many of us," Amon realized. "If he had to take care of all of us individually, even if he doesn't get a single scratch while doing so, he'll still be too tired by the end."

Mado smiled. "Exactly. That's why he's been running away from us every single time. It's not that he's baiting us or anything - it's because in a full-on battle, he'll lose."

"Whoaaaa you're really smart," Suzuya smiled up at Mado. "But then, why are your hands trembling? My hands used to tremble when I was afraid. Are you afraid, Mado-san?"

"Suzuya!" Shinohara admonished, but Mado stopped him with the raise of his hand.

"No worries, Shinohara. He's right. My hands are trembling," Mado leered at Suzuya. "But it's not from fear. It's from excitement."

"Oh!" Suzuya clapped his hands together, tilting his head to the side. "And are your eyes also different sizes because of excitement - "

"Suzuya!" Shinohara said again in exasperation. "We've talked about the language filter before!"

"We have. I tossed it out because it was getting annoying," Suzuya blinked.

Shinohara let out a suffering sigh.

"There's something I don't understand," Amon crossed his arms. "We'll win if we fight Kakashi head-on. But how do we do that? Kakashi will just run away every single time. He's too fast and agile."

"Isn't it obvious?" Shinohara raised an eyebrow.

"We bait him," Mado finished. "We lure him into a place where he cannot escape, and then finish him off."

"But how are we supposed to do that - " Amon was cut off when Mado walked over and grabbed several laptops. Amon slowly shook his head in horror. "No. Anything but that."

"I'm afraid we have to, Amon-kun," Mado grimly fired up a laptop. "We can't trust the analysts to do their jobs. They can't even navigate their way out of a paper bag, much less create an accurate psychological profile of Kakashi."

"To defeat the enemy, we must first gain an understanding of him," Shinohara explained. "We need to be able to predict him. We have to map out his _everything_."

"He was at a restaurant. Well, I want to know what he ordered, what was _in_ the things he ordered, where those things came from, and the situations of the locations from whence the things came from," Mado narrowed his eyes. "I want to know _everything."_

"But that requires _research!_ Hours upon hours of sitting in front of the computer!" Amon didn't exactly whine, as one does not whine to their superiors, much less when the superior is Mado. But he certainly groaned in protest when Mado slid him a laptop. "I'm a field investigator! I fight ghouls, not do _research_!"

"Well, we're pulling an all-nighter doing nothing but research," Mado said with a crazed grin. "By tomorrow morning, we're going to know everything there is to know about Kakashi. And hopefully, that will be enough information for us to lure him into a trap."

Suzuya summed up all of Amon's feelings in one sentence. "Fuck."

"Language!"

XxX

"Hey, so this young man is about to die. BUT - I have a great idea. How about we take the girl's organs, stick them into him, and see what happens?"

"Umm, Dr. Kanou, that's in violation of at least 8 different legal laws and pretty much every ethical law I can think of - "

"I'll give you a bonus."

"Here's the scalpel. Go wild."

XxX

Kakashi woke up. He stayed in bed unmoving for a few minutes, contemplating what he was going to do today.

He could read. There were several more volumes he hadn't finished yet. However, his stomach was starting to feel uncomfortable.

Kakashi was hungry.

What could he eat though? He didn't want to go full cannibal just yet. Well, okay, technically it wasn't cannibalism, but Kakashi regarded himself as a human.

Ghouls cannot consume human food.

Or could they? Have ghouls tried every human food in existence yet? Or did they simply bite down into an apple, tasted it, decided that it was disgusting, then swore off all human food? Kakashi doubted there had been any comprehensive testing or research performed.

Besides, ghouls not eating anything _but_ human flesh? Kakashi was no medic nin, but even he could see that it was kinda implausible. There had to be something else ghouls could eat.

Kakashi just had to find out what it was.

Which means. . . it's time for Kakashi to go to the fanciest restaurants he can find and eat just about everything. All in the name of science, of course.

XxX

"Mmm this looks delicious," Kakashi smiled at the other occupants of the table. They. . . ignored him, surprisingly, instead focused on their phone calls. Kakashi thought that top-level executives of massive multinational corporations would have a little more self-preservation, but apparently, to these men, profit was more important than the ghoul sitting right next to them.

"Look, I don't _care_ if we're going to end up destroying an entire ecosystem by opening up that factory. I was promised 200 million if I manage to raise our stock, and I will _get_ the 200 million," one man barked.

Kakashi paused. And people thought _ghouls_ were the monsters?

At any rate. Kakashi dug into tempura shrimp. He spit it out immediately.

Shrimp's off the list.

Next: caviar.

Nasty.

Next: watermelon.

Disgusting.

Next: fish.

Ghastly.

And on it went.

Kakashi couldn't consume a single dish. Nothing.

Perhaps they were correct when they said that ghouls could only eat human flesh.

Kakashi sighed. "Thank you, gentlemen, for providing me food."

They didn't respond to Kakashi, instead still focused on whatever urgent matters a businessman would have.

Kakashi strolled out of the private room and stood still, observing the common area of the restaurant.

It was empty.

Kakashi was suddenly hit with a wave of deja vu. His fingers flexed in preparation. What would the CCG try this time? Hopefully not bullets. Bullets were loud, annoying, and they smelled frankly terrible.

The front door opened. Kakashi's eyebrows rose as a hunched-over white-haired man, a young black-haired glaring man, a friendly-looking man with a receding hairline, and Kakuzu's son came walking in, silver briefcases in hand.

"Yo!" Kakashi greeted them with a two-fingered peace sign. Were they finally taking the negotiation/peace talks route?

The friendly-looking receding hairline man smiled. "Good morning, Kakashi. My name is Shinohara. This is Mado, Amon, and Suzuya. We are Investigators."

Kakashi nodded slowly. "This is new. For once, you're not shooting first, asking questions after. I must say, it's a refreshing change of pace. Do you want something to eat? I hear that this restaurant's tempura is _spectacular."_

Mado giggled. "I like you, Kakashi. You're not like the other ghouls."

"I would certainly hope not," Kakashi eye-smiled. "Although I am rather curious: why the change in strategy?"

"Because Mado's a bitch and Shinohara's a bitch for listening to the bitch," Suzuya crossed his arms and pouted.

Shinohara groaned. "What he means," he translated, "Is that, after extensive research and analysis on you, we do not think that you are particularly aggressive or insane like many other ghouls."

Amon nodded. "As much as it pains me to say it, you're. . . you're. . ."

"Come on, Amon-kun. You can do it," Mado encouraged.

"You're. . . not. . . that. . . bad," Amon coughed immediately afterwards, as if trying to purge the words from his mouth.

Kakashi blinked. "Thank you."

"You have had numerous opportunities to kill CCG agents," why weren't Mado's eyes the same size? It became disconcerting after a while, "And you never did - only nonlethal attacks. On top of that, every single encounter we've had, you have never initiated a fight."

"From that, as unlikely as it seems, we can draw the conclusion that you're actually a peaceful ghoul," Shinohara continued.

Amon looked like he wanted to hurl.

"As a result," Mado reached out his hand. "We are extending you the opportunity to join the CCG as a special ghoul. A ghoul that kills other ghouls. You did, after all, walk into our Center the other day looking for a job, correct?"

Wow. A genuine job offer. "I'm interested," Kakashi walked forwards, ignoring how they tensed up. "Let's go."

They looked at each other. "Wait. You're going to accept?!" Amon asked incredulously.

Kakashi nodded. "It's not like I have anything better to do. Besides, protecting the public by exterminating threats. . . it's almost like my old job."

Well, okay. _Old_ old job. It's been a long time since he'd been ANBU.

Although, at least this time, he can console himself by saying that the people he will kill aren't actually people. They're ghouls. They're not human.

_Just like how Jinchuuriki aren't human?_

The errant thought struck him like Obito's punch.

Were all ghouls truly bad? They ate humans, but after the extensive testing Kakashi just performed, humans are likely the only things they can eat.

Ehhhh whatever. It's not like he actually has to follow the CCG's orders. If ghouls are this world's equivalent to Jinchuuriki, then Kakashi will switch sides immediately. And probably start a revolution.

XxX

They drove a car. Probably to keep the public from panicking. Even so, Kakashi didn't like the ride at all. Being trapped in a confined space with four people, three of which emitting Killing Intent, was not fun.

When they walked into the CCG Center, agents and Investigators were already lined up to greet Kakashi, although several performed double-takes at seeing him actually show up.

"Welcome, Kakashi," they chorused.

Kakashi tilted his head. "Between you and me," he said to Amon, "I'm pretty sure I just walked into a trap."

Amon tensed up. "You're wrong."

Kakashi hummed. "I hope I am. After all, I'm trusting you. And I don't like it when I'm betrayed."

He then glanced around the interior, which is why he missed Amon's frantic gestures to Mado. Mado simply grinned back.

They stopped in front of the RC scanner.

"Go on, Kakashi," Shinohara smiled warmly. "We'll wait here; your interviewer is just up ahead."

Kakashi was silent for a moment. "This isn't the same scanner I passed through two days ago."

To their credit, Mado, Shinohara, Amon, and Suzuya didn't react at all.

"What do you mean?" Mado pointed with a crooked finger at the scanner. "What's wrong with this?"

Amon nodded enthusiastically. "We added a few bells and whistles, a maintenance check. But it's still the same scanner as before."

"Indeed," Shinohara spread his hands. "We're under orders to not follow you through. Go ahead, Kakashi."

Mini-Kakuzu didn't say anything, but he did make an attempt for a smile.

Kakashi merely stared at the agents and Investigators behind the four. "Somehow, I don't believe you."

Mado turned around - and promptly facepalmed. "You idiots!"

The Investigators had their silver briefcases out and the agents were pointing their weapon of choice at Kakashi. Fierce expressions were on their faces as they prepared for battle.

Kakashi laughed. The four flinched away from him. "Oh, Mado-san. I understand your pain. You're not the only one who've had to deal with knuckleheaded comrades."

If only Naruto was here. Then he'll probably deescalate the situation, resolve the conflict, and make everybody friends.

Kakashi wasn't Naruto though. He didn't have amazing persuasive powers; all he had was his combat abilities.

That, and his flair for dramatics.

"In any case, this 'RC scanner' is probably designed to neutralize me, correct?" Kakashi's guess was confirmed by several flinches in the agent/Investigator audience.

"God damn it, stop reacting! Haven't any of you played poker before?!" Mado screamed in anguish. "Stone faces!"

"And the rest of you are just the cleanup crew," Kakashi eye-smiled. "All just for little old me?"

Shinohara sighed. "The gig, Mado-san, appears to be up."

"Does this mean we can destroy, pillage, rape, kill, loot, and burn Kakashi now?" Suzuya asked happily.

Kakashi edged away from him. "I'm sorry?"

Shinohara sighed. "Suzuya. You're not a Mongol. When I introduced you to the History Channel. . . well. Please, at least _try_ to maintain a good public image."

"Is that a yes?" Suzuya reached into the interior of his jacket.

Shinohara tilted his head. "It is."

"Awesome!" And in a flash, Suzuya was in front of Kakashi, small knives in his hand, an insane smile on his face.

"How the hell did you manage to pass the psychological test?!" Kakashi evaded every one of Suzuya's swipes. "Does the CCG even have psych tests?!"

"I don't know!" Suzuya attempted to kick Kakashi, but Kakashi grabbed his foot and swept out Suzuya's standing leg. Suzuya fell down but somehow _bounced_ back up to his feet and continued his vicious assault.

"Everyone, stand down! Leave it to us! Just cover the exits!" Shinohara commanded in a loud, deep voice. Massive steel shutters slammed down, blocking the exits and trapping Kakashi inside. Kakashi was impressed. They constructed all of this in less than 24 hours. Not bad.

Mado ran forward at Kakashi, a green sword-like Quinque in his hand. Amon pulled out a black-red cylindrical club, and Shinohara had a giant black-red meat cleaver knife thing.

Kakashi dodged every one of Mado's attacks. Stabs, slices, feints and jabs - wait, what the hell? The green sword split into three sections and tried to close around Kakashi like a Venus fly-trap. It sliced down and into Kakashi. Blood came pouring out and Kakashi let out a pained cry. He collapsed to the ground - and then burst into smoke, a log in his place.

"Where did that come from?!" Amon gasped.

"'he despaired, for in this place of stone and earth, there was no logs to be found. reaching out with all his might, he begged for a log in the forsaken wasteland. and he was answered, and saved by the log, in a place where there were none.' -book of the log, wanderers saga, verses 7-9," Kakashi spoke from the ceiling. He dropped down, landing without a sound. "The Holy Log always answers the call."

Kakashi's eyes widened as Shinohara suddenly stood in front of him. He was _fast!_ Kakashi leaned backwards into a backhandspring, dodging the furious slice, and - hands sticking to the floor with chakra - unleashed a flurry of kicks.

Shinohara blocked them with his gigantic blade. Small knives streaked towards Kakashi, who detached himself from the floor and jumped up - right into Amon, who had raised his club and was ready to slam it down.

Mado rushed him from the side, sword held in front and a manic expression on his face. The three green tentacles waved around menacingly. Kakashi could see just how sharp it was.

Suzuya dashed forwards then threw eighteen knives at Kakashi in quick succession, laughing while doing so.

Shinohara jumped up with speeds that shouldn't have been possible with his size and directed his meat cleaver downwards, ready to unleashed a simultaneous attack with Amon and cleave Kakashi in two.

_Checkmate._

Still in the air, Kakashi took a millisecond to admire their teamwork. If they had chakra, they would undoubtedly be excellent shinobi.

However, they don't have chakra.

The second Amon and Shinohara's Quinques were about to cleave/crush him and Suzuya's knives were about to hit him and Mado's sword was about to rip into him, Kakashi _blurred_.

His legs shot out in a midair split as he caught both Shinohara and Amon in the chest, knocking them back. Mado's sword shot forward - but Kakashi's right hand was already on Mado's chest in a powerful chest.

Kakashi's left hand shot up and plucked all eighteen knives out of the air, faint afterimages being left behind. Then, treating the knives like kunai, he threw all eighteen at once right back at Suzuya.

Shinohara and Amon crashed into the ground. Mado dropped down, gasping, the wind knocked out of him. Suzuya glanced down at the sudden slits in his clothing - yet not a single drop of blood fell to the ground. He was completely unharmed.

Kakashi eye-smiled at them. "Nice try. But you'll have to do better."

The group of Investigators/agents roared out a battle cry behind him. Kakashi turned around, slightly bemused as they all charged him, Quinques, knives, and guns in hand. Why did the four attack first? Shouldn't they have sent the small fry to wear him down before they engaged? Because clearly, those four were leagues above all of these.

Hmm. He hasn't done this in quite a long time, since he had been fighting against enemies that were extremely powerful, but against these civilians, he can do it.

Kakashi reached into his pant pocket. The vanguard halted their charge immediately, warily observing Kakashi. While ghouls typically only fought using hand-to-hand combat or their kagunes, Kakashi wasn't a normal ghoul. They didn't want to be surprised by a hand grenade or a flashbang.

They slowly backed away as Kakashi pulled out a. . . a book?

A manga. No, not just that. Judging from the front cover - and for a few, their personal experience - it was a _porn manga_. Pure hentai.

And Kakashi began to read.

"Umm. . . what are you doing?" One brave agent called out, having lowered his gun in confusion.

"I'm reading, of course," Kakashi replied cheerily, not even glancing up.

They shared looks. "But. . . _why_?"

"To find out what happens next," Kakashi giggled. It wasn't Mado's insane giggle; rather, it was the giggle of a man who'd just seen something. . . beautiful, and appreciated it heavily. "You see, Soujiro finally conquered his inner fears and he is about to - "

" - ravage Megumi and Tsubaki at the same time," Mado finished. "Damn, I loved that scene."

Everyone turned to Mado in surprise. There was a sudden deafening silence in the room.

Kakashi spoke first. "You've read this?" he asked delightfully.

" _You've read that?!"_ Amon asked, appalled.

"Yeah," and for the first time since Kakashi's met him, Mado seemed to regard Kakashi with something akin to respect. "You may be a ghoul, but you have good taste. Tell me, have you reached the part when all five girls - "

"NO STOP!" Kakashi cried out. He coughed lightly. "I just acquired these books yesterday, and I haven't finished it all yet."

"Ah, my bad, my bad," Mado apologized. "I'll wait until you're done with the plot first."

"Pedophile," Suzuya said.

"Suzuya-kun, no! We don't throw around accusations like that!" Shinohara sighed. "And seriously, Mado-san? You're aware that your public image is already. . . dented, correct? This isn't going to help."

Mado blinked. "Are you sure about that?" He gestured at the crowd of young, male Investigators and agents, who were staring at him with reverence and admiration in their eyes.

"Point taken."

" _You've read that?!"_ Amon repeated, somehow sounding even more horrified.

"It's good," Mado smiled. "Surprisingly good. We appear to have gotten off track. I believe that you all were about to attack Kakashi?"

Another battle cry went up as Kakashi began to read once more.

XxX

"The new ghoul on the block, Codename: Kakashi, has attacked the CCG Center again today! Once again, he walked out without a scratch on him. Joining me here is Special Class Investigator Shinohara, and expert ghoul killer."

Shinohara stared into the camera with a fixed smile. "Yes. Kakashi will die. Thank you."

The reporter coughed lightly. "Would you like to expand on that?"

Shinohara thought about the scene that afternoon. Kakashi effortlessly destroying everyone without even looking up from that damned book. Fighting the four of them all at once only using his legs (one hand held the book, the other hand was in his pocket.) Then pulling a smoke bomb out of nowhere and smashing it against the ground. There had been the sound of chirping birds, and when the smoke cleared, there was a hole in the steel shutters and Kakashi was gone.

"No. No I would not. On a completely unrelated note, all surveillance video of the incident has been lost. My most sincere apologies."

XxX

"Get Arima in here."

"Sir, he's on a long-term mission - "

"I said. Get. Arima. _In here._ "

XxX

"That didn't go so well," Amon commented to Mado.

Mado sipped from his cup of coffee. "No, it did not. He was toying with us. We all walked away practically unharmed, with only minor bruises and scratches."

"So. . . plan A didn't work. Time for plan B? We have a plan B, correct?"

"Of course we have a plan B," Shinohara said soothingly. "We need to - "

"New plan," Mado announced. "In light of the new information, I think I know how to defeat Kakashi."

"Oh? How?" Shinohara inquired.

"Kakashi will not be lured by us, probably ever again. We've betrayed him and lost his trust," Mado stared into his cup of coffee. "However, we know that he likes women. It just so happens that I know someone."

Shinohara's eyes widened. "You don't mean. . . _her?!"_

Mado nodded. "She can seduce him. It will work. He won't suspect a thing."

Amon glanced between the two of them. "Who?"

"My daughter," Mado said. "Akira Mado."


	4. Chapter 4

Kakashi gazed silently at the computer in front of him. Once again, like any good shinobi, he was back in the library, using one of their free computers.

He couldn't believe just how simple it was to do some intelligence gathering. Back in the Elemental Nations, in order to find out information on the enemy, spies had to be painstakingly put in place months ahead of time. It was something that only the ANBU could do - not because they were stronger than normal shinobi but rather it was because they needed to abandon their identity and self for years at a time. Spies live under the constant threat of their cover ID being blown - the stress can easily get to someone who has not gone through ANBU training.

Even after a spy has successfully infiltrated the enemy, they still need a reliable and secure method to deliver their information back to headquarters. If they were lucky, they have summons. If they weren't. . . then they got creative. Messenger hawks, discrete messages in the forms of flowers, "accidentally" starting a bar fight with a fellow Konoha shinobi and once they were down on the ground you whisper into their ear, and so on.

Bottom line is, months of painstaking hard, tedious - and often lethal - work is needed in order to acquire intelligence.

In the Elemental Nations, that is.

In this world, they have social media.

_CCG SENDING THEIR BEST INVESTIGATORS TO 20TH WARD_

_CCG TAKING HEAVY ACTION AGAINST NEW GHOUL ON THE SCENE_

_EXPERT SPEAKS ON KAKASHI: INSANITY, OR GENIUS?_

_SHOULD YOU BE ASHAMED THAT YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO A, QUITE FRANKlY,_ FLAMING _HOT GHOUL_ -

Kakashi blinked. Oh gods, what?! He quickly left that tab, and scrolled over to the new one.

_KAKASHI: TO KILL, TO TORTURE, OR TO MAIM?_

Damn. He hasn't caused this much public mayhem and chaos since. . . well, ever.

He had been a good shinobi, after all. Most of his covert operations had stayed that: covert.

In any case. . .

Kakashi rubbed his chin. While he would love to go play with the CCG a little more tomorrow, he had more pressing matters to attend to.

While he wasn't completely certain that humans were the only things ghoul could consume, the evidence does point to that. Which means, it is entirely possible that there are good ghouls out there that are being hunted simply because of what they are.

He needed to hear out their side of the story. He hasn't even seen another ghoul yet.

Who knew, they might be the Jinchuuriki-equivalent of this world.

But that's for a later time. For now. . .

Kakashi giggled as he opened up a new tab, turning on incognito mode. He had heard some great things about the Internet - great things indeed.

"Sir - SIR! THIS IS A LIBRARY! THERE ARE KIDS AROUND! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING?!"

XxX

"The plan, my dear comrades, is simple," Mado grinned at everyone.

Nearly everyone from the 20th Ward CCG Center was there, from the Rapid Response Teams to the analysts to the snipers.

"First," Mado widened his left eye. Only his left eye. "We have my daughter seduce Kakashi and lure him into a covert CCG facility. It's owned by a shell company, so he shouldn't be suspicious."

"I. . . haven't agreed to anything yet," Akira said slowly.

"Aww please? You know there's no way I can get authorization for a female CCG Investigator to seduce a ghoul."

Amon blinked. "Wait, you don't mean - "

Mado nodded. "Indeed. As of now, Akira here isn't in her capacity as an Investigator, but rather a freelance agent."

"That seems. . ." Amon frowned. "Illegal."

"It's not," Shinohara supplied helpfully. "Morally dubious? Yes. But it's completely legal."

"In any case, after Kakashi is lured inside, we block off the entrance with reinforced titanium shutters," Mado continued. "And that's when we strike. In order to neutralize Kakashi, we need to first understand what it is that makes him so strong. Shinohara-san?"

"His speed."

"Precisely. Kakashi is fast, but once we take out his speed. . ." Mado chuckled. "It will be simple to take him down."

"How, though?" A random analyst called out. "How are we supposed to take out his speed when we can't even touch him?"

Mado smiled. "Gas."

"Gas?"

Mado nodded. "Specifically, the prototype: Control RC Gas Grenade. It's still in testing stages, but it works well. It should definitely impair his movement speed and agility. It works similarly to RC Suppressant."

There was a muttering of agreement around the room. RC Suppressant has already been proven to be quite effective. It slows down a ghoul, makes them vulnerable to normal knife attacks, removes their ability to use their kagune, and lessens their regeneration.

"While it won't slow him down by a lot, it will be enough. Shinohara-san, Amon-kun, and Suzuya-san shall then work alongside me to take him out," Mado tilted his head. "Any questions?"

"What do we do?" A Rapid Response Team member called out.

"You sit back and do nothing," Mado shrugged. "We already know that you all can't do anything against Kakashi."

"Oh."

"Yup. So that's the plan. Let's - "

"I still haven't agreed yet," Akira called out, slightly annoyed.

Mado blinked. "Please?"

"What will you give me?"

"What do you want?"

Akira's reply was immediate and blunt. "Your books. I want them out of the house."

Mado winced. "Wait, Akira, please - "

"No," Akira leveled him with an icy stare. "I want. Them. _Gone_."

Mado pleaded silently with her with his eyes, but she wouldn't relent. After a while, he sighed in despair. "Fine."

Akira paused. "Actually, no. It's not enough to get them out of the house. Give them all to me; I need to burn them."

"WHYYY?!"

"Because they're filthy," Akira glared before turning to the nearest analyst, who gulped in fear. "Now, if I'm going to seduce Kakashi, I need new clothes. What's my budget?"

XxX

"So. . . where's Kakashi?" The analyst tapped on his mechanical keyboard, his fingers dancing over the lubed linear switches. The buttery smooth keys were frictionless - there was absolutely no scratches or adverse feelings at all. The stabilizers were clipped, lubed, and bandaid modded, resulting in delightful sound.

"No idea. No sightings yet."

"Huh."

XxX

"Take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall~"

"Take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall~"

"Take one down, pass it around, 97 bottles - "

"GOD DAMN IT SHUT UP ALREADY! I know it's boring, waiting for Kakashi to show up, but please!"

XxX

"This. . . this can't be right," Mado frowned, tapping his foot against the ground rapidly. He stared at the wall-mounted television.

"Where is Kakashi?" Amon asked.

"Maybe he decided to do the smart thing and lay low for a while?" Shinohara suggested.

"No. . . that's not it," Mado bit down on his nail, thinking furiously.

"Your intuition?"

"Yeah."

Amon scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion. "Intuition?"

Shinohara nodded. "Mado-san's intuition is legendary among the CCG elites. We had to ban him from every gambling game because of it."

Mado chuckled. "I remember. You all still owe me 80,000 yen." Then he glared up at the television. "Kakashi, what are you planning?" he muttered.

XxX

"Apparently Kakashi won't be showing up today," Shinohara announced. "However, we must not let our guards down. It's entirely possible that this time, he'll strike at night. Stay alert, everyone."

XxX

"Yes!" Touka grinned at Yoshimura. "Finally, a whole day without any Kakashi!"

"Indeed," Yoshimura straightened several jars of coffee beans. "Given how Kakashi hadn't appeared anywhere today, I presume that he's lying low - at least, until things have cooled down somewhat."

"I'd rather him never come back. Shitty Kakashi, attracting all the high-ranking Doves over here."

Yoshimura smiled. "Look on the bright side. At least the Doves are holed up in their Center, trying to track down Kakashi. They're not causing any trouble for us."

"What's even worse is the _ghouls_ that he attracted," Touka groused. "Every insane, powerful ghoul in all of Japan is making their way over - if they're not already here."

"There are a lot of interested parties at play here," Yoshimura agreed. "Fortunately, I've been able to keep them from doing anything too. . . conspicuous, so to speak."

"Good thing you did. If those ghouls do what they normally do in their own Wards, then the 20th Ward wouldn't be the safe haven for ghouls but rather an all-out burning battleground," Touka narrowed her eyes. "And it's all because of this Kakashi."

"I'm surprised he didn't try to make contact with us yet," Yoshimura said. "My contacts say that he hasn't met up with any of them either. In fact, not a single ghoul has seen or heard of Kakashi before the day he attacked the Center - quite an accomplishment. It's as if he's a ghost."

"Well, he should've stayed a ghost," Touka muttered. "The 20th Ward has been in utter chaos since he showed up. I'd love to just punch him in the face."

"That's rather harsh, don't you think?"

Touka scoffed. "Harsh? He deserves a lot worse - " She froze before spinning around and looking at the person who had spoken.

Kakashi sat at a table, absently leafing through the menu. He looked up and eye-smiled. "Good evening."

Yoshimura inclined his head. "Good evening," he replied politely. "You must be Kakashi. I am Yoshimura, and this is Touka."

Touka tensed up as her kakugan flared, her eyes becoming red-and-black. "You," she hissed. "What are you doing here?" And yet, even with all the anger in her voice, she couldn't keep out the slight hint of fear.

Kakashi merely waved her off. "Maa, I heard that you guys made the best coffee in town. And after what I've just done. . ." he shuddered slightly. "I need coffee. Even if I can't drink it, the scent of it is enough."

"You can't drink it?" Yoshimura asked while walking behind the counter and beginning to boil some water. "What do you mean?"

Kakashi paused. "You know. Ghouls can't eat any human food."

"That. . . doesn't apply to coffee," Yoshimura tilted his head.

Kakashi straightened up immediately. "You mean to say that ghouls can drink coffee?"

"Why yes. Didn't you know?" Yoshimura inquired.

"No. No I did not."

Touka scoffed. "Figures. So, what have you just done that requires coffee? Did you completely upset the delicate power balance of the 20th Ward? Attract Doves strong enough that they would cut apart most of the ghouls in the 20th Ward apart with ease? Perhaps humiliate the CCG and make them look like idiots?"

Kakashi eye-smiled. "Nope! But thanks for reminding me; I'll do those all tomorrow - "

Touka flung her hands into the air.

" - but to answer your question, this entire day, I've been trying to. . ." Kakashi's eyes unfocused.

XxX

"WORK, DAMN IT, WORK!" Kakashi yelled, repeatedly slapping the paper seal.

It gave off a few feeble sparks of light before exploding once more.

"DEAR KAMI, SAGE, AND THE HOLY LOG!" Kakashi took a deep calming breath that did absolutely nothing for his mental state. "Alright. I can do this." He took out another piece of paper. "Attempting to recreate the Hiraishin. Test 852."

And he began to painstakingly draw the Hiraishin seal once more.

XxX

"Let's just say that I tried to recreate a. . . transportation technique," Touka and Yoshimura unconsciously edged away from Kakashi as he began to emit some Killing Intent. Then he eye-smiled, and the feeling vanished. "I did, however, read three more books - although they're less _books_ and more _works of art_."

Yoshimura set down a cup of coffee in front of Kakashi before sitting down across from him. "I suppose I must thank you for not doing anything today. If you had attacked the CCG one more time, I think they very well could have sent for international help. And that would result in a disaster."

Kakashi hummed. "I could take them."

"But we can't, Kakashi-san," Yoshimura's kakugan activated as he stared dangerously at Kakashi. "You have placed the occupants of the 20th Ward in grave danger."

"Oh?" Kakashi raised his left eyebrow. "I would have thought that, since all of the CCG is focused on finding and taking me down, you guys would be in _less_ danger."

Yoshimura inclined his head. "A fair argument. So now, tell me, Kakashi, what is it that you want? Because I know you didn't come to Anteiku just for the coffee."

Kakashi glanced at Yoshimura as he lifted the cup to his lips. He hesitantly took a sip - and then froze in shock. "This coffee. . . it tastes. . . it tastes like real coffee."

"What an astute observation!" Touka said scornfully. "What are you going to say next, that just because I'm correct doesn't mean I'm right?"

Kakashi ignored her. He took another sip, savoring the taste. He honestly didn't like coffee very much - whereas the average T&I agent practically _worshipped_ coffee - but he could tell when it was brewed exceptionally well. And the coffee he was currently drinking. . . it was top-tier, without a doubt.

It was delicious.

Yoshimura watched him closely. "How have you never known that ghouls could drink coffee? It's the only food that humans and ghouls alike could consume."

"I'm still pretty new to being a ghoul," Kakashi said distractedly as he took another sip. It took him a moment to realize that Touka and Yoshimura were staring at him, confusion evident. "What?"

"New to being a ghoul?" Yoshimura repeated. "What do you mean by that?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I was human just a few days ago."

"Liar!" Touka immediately accused. "A human becoming a ghoul. . . that's impossible."

"And yet, here I am," Kakashi responded cheerfully.

"How?" Yoshimura scanned him up and down. "Surgery, perhaps? Theoretically, ghoul organs implanted into a human may give him characteristics similar to a ghoul."

"I'm not too sure on the specifics," Kakashi really didn't. Had it been intentional by Kaguya? Or was it just a result of his body getting messed up in the inter-dimensional transit? He had no idea. "All I know is that one day, I woke up as a ghoul." He paused. "Although I didn't discover that I was a ghoul until I walked through those RC Scanners in the CCG Center. Man, that had been a surprise."

"Wait, so you're saying that you attacked the CCG Center. . . by accident?!" Touka asked incredulously.

"Now, attack is such a strong word. I defended myself; I tried to resolve things peacefully, but they weren't in the diplomatic mood. Everything I did was self-defense."

"Including everything that happened afterwards?" Yoshimura asked dryly.

Kakashi grinned. "And that's when I plead the Fifth."

". . . we're in Japan. The Fifth doesn't apply here," Touka said.

"Really? Strange," Kakashi shrugged. "Well, all I can say is that playing with the CCG is extremely amusing." He eye-smiled. "I suggest you try it."

Yoshimura smiled back. "I don't think I will." A strong Killing Intent suddenly filled the room. Kakashi's eyebrows rose in mild interest. The old man in front of him was strong. "Now then, Kakashi-san. I think it's time we have a. . . talk."

"That's. . . what we've been doing."

Yoshimura sighed but forged on ahead. "Kakashi-san, you have caused quite a lot of mayhem and chaos in the past three days."

"I haven't had this much fun in years," Kakashi grinned.

Yoshimura blinked. "And that is your motive? To _have fun_?"

Kakashi nodded. "Yup. This is like a vacation to me." No Akatsuki. No Madara. No Great Fourth Shinobi War.

"What? Are you insane?!" Whatever composure Touka had previously, it was all gone, instead replaced by a disbelieving fury. "You rained down hell on the CCG and made lives more difficult for thousands of ghouls - just for _fun_?!"

Kakashi tilted his head. "Is there a problem?"

Touka was at a complete loss for words.

"There is a problem," Yoshimura took over. "I must ask you to cease your current line of action. Please, do not aggravate the CCG any more. For the sake of the ghouls in the 20th Ward, I ask you to stop."

"Maa, now that's where the problem is," Kakashi leaned forward. "Tell me, Yoshimura-san. Are you a monster?"

Touka drew in a sharp breath before opening her mouth angrily, but Yoshimura raised his hand and she stopped. "A monster?" Yoshimura gazed coldly at Kakashi. "What do you mean by that?"

"For you see, I'm still rather new to this human-ghoul conflict. You can call me a. . . foreigner, if you wish. According to the CCG, ghouls are monsters. They have no feelings, they have no compassion and empathy. They look like humans, but they have no moral qualities, and simply exist to bring pain and suffering and death to humans." Kakashi stared at Yoshimura, dead serious. "So tell me, Yoshimura-san. Are you a monster?"

Yoshimura was silent for a moment. "Kakashi-san. The CCG, quite frankly, lacks intelligent thought."

Kakashi raised his eyebrows.

"Ghouls have no feelings? No compassion, no empathy?" Yoshimura narrowed his eyes. " _Please_. We feel just as much as humans do. More, in some cases. We eat humans because there is nothing else that we can eat. We don't have a choice in the matter."

"And so you use that as justification for killing humans?" Kakashi asked curiously. "To go out there and cause endless heartbreak and despair?"

"We - " Yoshimura began but was cut off by Touka.

"Kill humans?" Touka snarled. "You're delusional."

"Touka - "

"No!" Touka glared viciously at Kakashi. "You know _nothing_. Go out there and cause endless heartbreak and despair? Don't make me laugh. Why would we want to do that? I don't know what you are - human or ghoul - but clearly, you're fucking brain damaged. We just wish to live peacefully. But we can't, just because we're ghouls."

"No, I'm pretty sure it's because you kill - "

"WE DON'T KILL!" Touka breathed deeply. "I can't speak for every ghoul out there, but here at Anteiku, _we don't kill._ We eat humans that are already dead - suicide victims."

Kakashi blinked.

"But you know what? The CCG doesn't care," she continued. "As far as they're concerned, we're ghouls, so we must be evil. _Of course_ the CCG will call us monsters. They're all idiots. And if you believe them, then you're the biggest fucking idiot of all."

Kakashi stared silently at her.

"If the only thing we can eat are humans, then what choice do we have? We just want to live," Touka clenched her fists. "We don't want to cause humans pain. We're not evil. We're just ghouls."

"I will not pretend that there are bad ghouls out there," Yoshimura said. "There are monsters out there - ghouls that just want to watch the world burn and cook the humans alive. But there are monsters in the form of humans as well. Just look at every war - humans have killed more humans than ghouls ever had."

Kakashi sipped slowly from his coffee. He didn't speak for a moment. Finally, he set down his cup. "I see."

Ghouls were the Jinchuuriki of this world. Hated simply because of what they were. Kakashi chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Touka demanded.

"Maa, it's nothing. I've made up my mind," Kakashi smiled. "Thank you for the coffee."

"Made up your mind?" Yoshimura asked.

"Right now, the issue is that humans do not understand ghouls. They're not looking underneath the underneath," Kakashi stood up. "So I'll make them."

Yoshimura sighed. "Trust me, if it was that easy, I'd have done it by now."

"Oh, I know it'll be difficult. But I have time." The modified Hiraishin would probably take months to complete. "And besides, if I didn't help out, a certain knuckleheaded student of mine would never forgive me."

"See ya for now." And Kakashi disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Touka stared at the place where he had been. "Whoa. He really is fast - the news didn't exaggerate."

"That was. . . interesting," Yoshimura rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "He doesn't appear to be insane or deranged."

"He claimed that he was a human that got turned into a ghoul," Touka said dryly. "Not exactly the picture of sanity."

"You never know," Yoshimura stood up and began clearing the table. "He could be telling the truth - " His eyes widened.

"What is it?!" Touka glanced around nervously, looking for any surprises Kakashi may have left behind.

Yoshimura narrowed his eyes. "Kakashi didn't pay for his coffee."

XxX

How interesting. So that's how the situation was.

Kakashi has plenty of spare time. Changing the entire status quo and uniting humans and ghouls - or at least making it so that peaceful ghouls wouldn't be hunted down. . . He could do it. This was way easier than trying to unite shinobi nations.

There were no "peaceful" shinobi - excluding the rare ones, like Naruto. But there were peaceful ghouls. Add to that the fact that ghouls _have_ to eat humans, otherwise they won't survive, and a very logical argument could be made.

Kakashi may not have Naruto's magical way of words that would turn enemies into friends. However, he still has methods of convincing people. Kakashi style.


	5. Chapter 5

The 20th Ward CCG Center received an unsuspecting surprise that morning in the form of a man bound tightly in ropes. Nobody saw where he came from; nobody saw who dropped him off. All they know is that a receptionist decided to look out the window because her job was _boring_ , and she saw a large muscular man frantically trying to escape the ropes.

She immediately called over several CCG agents to take a look. They had taken one look out the window, blanched at the strange sight, muttered something about _not risking another Kakashi incident_ and then called over the Investigators. If Kakashi was waiting to ambush them outside, then the Investigators would delay him long enough for the agents to retreat valiantly.

Amon, Mado, Suzuya, and Shinohara stumbled over, dark circles under their eyes. Mado's paranoia had spiked when Kakashi didn't do a single thing the day before, and he insisted on them remaining at the CCG Center all night saying, "Evil doesn't rest, why should we?" After all, if they were asleep when Kakashi decided to do something actually significant, then their salaries would be slashed to oblivion.

When _nothing_ had happened all night, Mado's paranoia skyrocketed to new extremes. Currently, his eyes flickered around rapidly, and every so often he would spin around with a leer just in case Kakashi was sneaking up on him.

It was a pity he accidentally did this to two female employees - a maintenance staff and an analyst. It wasn't the first time Mado would be called in by HR on sexual harassment accusations, and it wouldn't be the last.

Suzuya sipped from a cup of coffee. His eleventh cup, actually. Shinohara had tried to prevent Suzuya from drinking past the third cup, but. . . well, even Senior Investigators had to pee at some point. By the time Shinohara got back, Suzuya was already on his seventh cup of caffeine and was shaking badly enough that even Shinohara didn't dare to get in his way.

As a result, instead of _walking_ , Suzuya's movements would best be described by _spasming_. Indeed, he was vibrating so much, it was a miracle he didn't drop his cup.

Amon dearly hoped that Kakashi or some other ghoul wasn't out there. For one, he was exhausted after a night without sleep. Second. . . looking down at Suzuya next to him, if a fight _did_ break out, Amon did _not_ trust the kid's ability to aim straight.

Shinohara seemed to be the most composed out of all of them. He smiled in greeting at the agents and receptionist, and he was cheerfully taking bites out of a muffin. Entering a fight with low blood sugar wasn't wise, after all.

"He's out there," the receptionist pointed out at the man, who was still trying to wriggle away from the CCG Center. They couldn't see his face, but they could tell that he wasn't Kakashi.

"Thank you," Shinohara said with a polite smile. "We'll take it from here."

They exited the Center, Mado's head _whipping_ around to stare at everything, his hand twitching wildly as he prepared for an ambush.

Nothing.

Shinohara walked towards the man cautiously, whose efforts in getting away had tripled. Suzuya quickly ran up and kicked the man in a place where no man should ever be kicked. The man howled in pain, curling up into a ball.

"Suzuya!" Shinohara cried, aghast at his charge's behavior. "No! Bad! You don't _ever_ attack a man there!"

Suzuya tilted his head. "Why?"

"Because it violates the Law, that's why," Amon said grimly as he approached the whimpering man who was cowering, trying to hide his face. Amon frowned. Why would he want to conceal his face? He flipped the man over with a foot - then his eyes widened in shock.

He recognized the face. Number eight on Tokyo's Most Wanted Criminals. A serial killer who had murdered nine people.

Shinohara wasted no time, instantly pulling out a phone and dialing the police. A bit ironic, perhaps, but it was the most efficient method to avoid dealing with paperwork, red tape, chain of custody, and shit like that.

Within minutes, the police arrived and took the man away.

"That was interesting," Mado mused, staring at the police car driving away. "Why would Kakashi do something like this?"

Shinohara blinked. "How do you know that was Kakashi?"

"I recognized the ropework," Mado answered simply without any shame.

It took Amon a few seconds to get it, but once he did, he flushed a bright red.

XxX

It didn't stop there. Not even an hour later, another man appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. He was also bound in ropes, but this time around, he had a ball gag in his mouth.

Number Six on Tokyo's Most Wanted. An arsonist and a murderer.

XxX

After that, the CCG surveillance squad, crime scene investigation squad, and laboratory agents were brought in because the field agents had _no_ idea how this was happening.

Fitting in with their stereotypes, the CCG scientists - _cough_ nerds _cough_ \- were polite, quiet, and didn't make a scene.

Shinohara had to physically hold Suzuya back to prevent him from hazing them.

Unlike the field agents, they didn't have overly loud larger-than-life personalities. They didn't have _any_ distinctive traits of any kind, actually.

They did their job, and that was it. No adrenaline. No shouting. No fighting. No life-or-death situation. No stress.

Or so the field agents thought.

XxX

Number Four. A serial killer that targeted children.

XxX

"I WANT CAMERAS SET UP! EVERY ANGLE NEEDS TO BE COVERED! NO BLIND SPOTS! MAKE SURE TO VIEW THE STILL FRAMES! FIND OUT HOW KAKASHI IS DOING THIS!"

"SIR YES SIR!"

XxX

Number Five. Another murderer.

XxX

"HOW IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?! WE SAW NOTHING. WE VIEWED IT FRAME BY FRAME. THERE WAS NOTHING ONE FRAME, AND THE NEXT FRAME, THE CRIMINAL WAS THERE! HOW?!"

XxX

Number Seven. A murderer, kidnapper, _and_ tax fraudster.

XxX

"THERMAL IMAGING SQUAD! PLEASE TELL ME YOU FOUND SOMETHING. I HAD TO SPEND A GOOD CHUNK OF OUR BUDGET ACQUISITIONING A THERMAL IMAGING CAMERA."

"NOTHING, SIR! THERE'S NOTHING!"

"JESUS CHRIST WERE THE LAWS OF PHYSICS REPEALED WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING?"

"DON'T KNOW, SIR!"

XxX

Number Three. A murderer.

XxX

Number Nine. Another murderer with ties to the Yakuza.

XxX

Number Two. Serial rapist and murderer.

XxX

"Should we... help?" Amon asked helplessly, gesturing at the scene.

They were curled up in balls, crying and shaking like leaves in a violent hurricane. Several were asking for their mommies. Others were asking for their teddy bears - or periodic tables, or whatever the hell they slept with.

"Physics... _why have thee betrayed me?!_ "

"Nah," Mado shrugged. "Nothing we could do."

Suzuya, for his part, had escaped Shinohara and was bullying the agents, much to Shinohara's despair. By the smile on his face, the kid was enjoying himself.

Psycho-kid indeed.

XxX

And finally, just as the sun began to set, Number One. Serial murderer, kidnapper, tax evasion, tax fraud, breaking and entering, trespassing, loitering.

XxX

"I NEED TO COMMIT SEPPUKU!"

"I'LL JOIN YOU, SIR!"

"SO WILL I!"

" _Do it, do it, do it_!" Suzuya chanted, hope shining in his eyes.

"Gentlemen! Control yourselves!" Shinohara rushed out, trying to keep the peace and prevent a PR disaster from occurring.

XxX

Nobody saw where these men appeared from. Rumors began to spread of a vengeful ghost, or perhaps a spirit of justice. Reporters went berserk trying to find out more information of what happened.

XxX

The Tokyo Police were celebrating their asses off. The top nine of their most wanted criminals, all captured in one day. Not a single police officer went home sober that night.

XxX

The four Investigators were flummoxed. They had no idea why Kakashi would do something like this. Was he making a point? Bribing them?

... showing them his ropework?

XxX

Every laboratory agent, surveillance agent, and CSI agent went home that night traumatized, convinced that Kakashi could break the laws of physics on a whim.

When they slept, many of them physically taped one eye open. They had finally achieved paranoia levels higher than Mado, something previously thought impossible.

XxX

Countless mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, aunts, uncles, and grandparents slept restfully that night, finally finding closure.

They don't care about how it was accomplished. They don't care about who did it.

All they cared about was that justice was finally, at long last, delivered.

XxX

Kakashi slept that night, fully convinced that Genjutsu was overpowered as _hell_.

XxX

_An hour before he actually went to sleep._

"... and after the eight time, you should have _seen_ their faces," Kakashi chuckled as he recalled the mayhem he had caused. "Watching their confusion and bewilderment slowly morph into horror and hopelessness... it just fills me with such a warm, fuzzy sense of nostalgia, you know?"

"You're fucking insane."

"Maa," Kakashi eye-smiled. "Sanity is rather overrated, wouldn't you say?"

Touka glared at him. "No, I mean it. You're sick in the head. Why the fuck are you even here? Shouldn't you be molesting kittens or something?"

Kakashi splayed his hands across his heart in mock hurt as his eyes filled with tears. "Touka!" he cried in mock disbelief. "Do you truly think so little of me?"

"Yeah." came the blunt reply.

The tears dried instantly. "Ehh, fair enough."

"Still though," Touka narrowed her eyes. "What _are_ you doing here?"

Kakashi blinked. "I just wanted to talk."

"You're in my _bedroom_. Are you a pedophile or something?" Touka paused. "Actually, that would make so much more sense."

"I take offense to that," Kakashi remarked mildly. "I only stuck my fingers up an underaged kid's ass _one time_."

Touka's eyes widened. " _What?!_ "

"Although I _did_ watch him sleep several times..."

" _WHAT?!"_

"But that doesn't make me a pedophile, right?" Kakashi asked innocently.

"I swear," Touka hissed. "If you touch me - no. If you so much as _look_ at Hinami, then I swear to god I will fucking _castrate_ you _repeatedly_."

"That's... not how it works."

"Ghoul regeneration, dumbass."

Kakashi opened his mouth to speak but then closed it a moment after. "Holy shit," he breathed. "You're right... that is, of course, assuming that you could beat me in combat."

Touka's eyes turned red-and-black.

Kakashi quickly held up his hands placatingly. "Maa, there's no need for violence."

"Yeah? Then answer me. Why the hell are you in my bedroom?" Touka demanded.

Kakashi shrugged. "The windows on the ground floor don't open."

Touka blinked. "What?" she asked confusedly.

"Only the windows on the second floor open," Kakashi said slowly, as if he was speaking to an idiot.

"Is the door not good enough for you?"

"Yes," Kakashi said simply.

Touka waited for Kakashi to elaborate. "... why?"

"Because doors are evil _and_ bad luck," Kakashi explained. "Not as much bad luck as a black cat though."

Touka's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

"Anyway," Kakashi clapped his hands together happily. "How was your day?"

"Fuck off. Why are you even talking to me?"

"Because we're friends?"

Touka stared at him incredulously. "No, we're not."

" _Best_ friends?"

"... I know I was joking about it before, but are you actually insane?" Touka sighed when Kakashi shot her a wide-eyed innocent gaze. "Look, if you have nothing useful to say, then just do me a favor and fuck right off. I have a long day tomorrow and I need to study."

"Maa, so impatient. Alright, fine. I just came here to inform you that Phase One of the plan has gone off without a hitch."

Touka frowned. "Phase one? Of what plan?"

"The plan to bring peace to humans and ghouls, of course," Kakashi beamed happily.

"... bloody hell, you're actually insane."

Kakashi sighed. "Is this how Naruto felt all those times?"

"And what the hell is _phase one_? All you did today was capture some human criminals."

"Ah, now that's where you're wrong," Kakashi smiled. "I didn't _just_ capture criminals. I _gave the CCG gifts_. Because that's what potential friends do for each other, right? Give each other gifts and presents?"

Touka gaped at Kakashi. "Excuse me, but what the _fuck_? You want to be the _CCG's friend_?!"

Kakashi nodded cheerfully. "Of course! It is, after all, the best way to achieve peace."

Touka was silent for a moment. Then she began laughing. Hysterically. "Y-you think," she choked out, "that you could become the CCG's _friend_? _You?!_ "

"Yup."

"How? What, are you going to break into the CCG center and _force_ them to become your friends?"

"Brilliant! You agree with my plan!"

"Or maybe you'll - wait, _what_?" Touka's laughter stopped abruptly.

"To be honest, the main reason why I came here tonight was to get a second opinion. And to know that you support me... it really means a lot to me. Thanks, Touka," Kakashi smiled brightly. "I'm glad we had this talk. Great minds think alike and all that."

"You - "

"Sadly, it's getting rather late. I don't want to get in the way of your studying. I'll be off now. Wish me luck!" Kakashi gave a two-fingered salute.

"Kakashi, _no!"_

But he was already gone.

To her credit, Touka was only shell-shocked for a few seconds before muttering a quick "fucking hell" before sitting back down and opening her textbook again.

A knock sounded from her door. "Touka?" Yoshimura called through the door. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah! Everything is just _peachy_ \- wait, why the hell are there leaves scattered in my room?"

XxX

Mado turned his head suddenly and sniffed the air.

"Is there something wrong?" Amon asked in concern.

"My intuition..." Mado muttered.

Shinohara was instantly alert. "What is it telling you?"

Mado was silent for a moment. Then an insane grin spread across his face. "It's telling me that we should bring Akira here tomorrow."


	6. Chapter 6

There was a loud _crack_ in the 20th Ward CCG Center.

That _crack_ was the sound of Kureo Mado's remaining sanity snapping.

"You're telling me that Kakashi has a SEP field," Mado said blankly.

"Judging by the surveillance video, yes," a CCG technician answered as he gestured at the screen with trembling hands. "He's literally walking up and dropping off the criminals _in front of you all_ , and none of you noticed."

"So you're telling me," Mado began slowly, "That he could be _right here_ , _with us at this very moment_ , and we _wouldn't_ know?"

"Yes," the technician looked pale. "Sir, I don't know how we're supposed to fight this. This is supposed to be impossible."

"I see," Mado nodded, rubbing his chin. Then he _blurred_ , whirling around and punching the open space behind him. He frowned when nothing happened.

"Umm, sir?"

"Just checking," Mado said idly, sniffing the air like a bloodhound. "Well then, thank you for this information. HQ already knows, I assume?" The technician nodded. "Have them begin creating some countermeasures." He turned around and began walking away. "I need to go have a talk with my team."

XxX

"FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK!"

"HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COUNTER AN HONEST-TO-GOD MOTHER FUCKING SEP FIELD?!"

"PHYSICS! PLEASE! MAKE SENSE AGAIN!"

Shinohara slowly backed out of the CCG Research Laboratory. He had gone there in hopes of acquiring a countermeasure for the SEP field, but judging by the scene in front of him, it was unlikely they had anything.

He made a mental note to book therapy sessions for all the scientists and researchers. From the looks of it, they needed it.

XxX

"Mado-san," Amon began hesitantly. "Are you alright?"

Mado looked up from where he was rigging the door to explode. "Kakashi has the ability to sneak past all our defenses and attack us _without us knowing_ ," he said. "We need to be prepared for every possibility."

"What's the point?" Suzuya yawned boredly. "If he decides to storm the Center, there's nothing we can do to stop him. He doesn't even need this SEP field thing - he's just that strong."

"Not to mention how booby-trapping a government facility is highly illegal," Akira pointed out. "But seriously, father. Could you please stop randomly punching the air every few seconds? You've already knocked out two agents by accident, and we _really_ cannot afford another lawsuit. Thank god those two agents were understanding."

"Indeed, Mado," Shinohara nodded in agreement. "It's one thing to have a healthy - or even unhealthy - dose of paranoia. But... well, even _we're_ getting worried at this point. You haven't blinked a single time in the past two minutes."

Mado stared at them with bloodshot eyes. "Blinking is for the weak. Besides, I have eye drops."

"... okay then."

"When will Investigator Kishou Arima get here?" Amon wondered. "The request was sent out a few days ago."

Shinohara shrugged. "Arima was in the middle of a case when HQ called. He'll have to finish his case first before he can come."

"Yeah, well, until he gets here, we're just sitting ducks," Amon clenched his fists in anger. "It doesn't matter how many booby traps we lay. Like Suzuya said, it's pointless."

"Even if the booby trap won't kill - or even harm - Kakashi, at least it'll alert us if he's here," Mado replied before a crazed smile spread across his face. "Of course, that doesn't matter if he's _already_ in here with us... isn't that right, _Kakashi?_ "

There was a moment of silence. Nothing happened.

"No, seriously, when was the last time you slept - "

Amon was cut off when the air _shimmered_ before Kakashi materialized, lounging lazily on a chair.

"Yo!" Kakashi greeted with an eye-smile.

Later on, Amon would deny having _screamed_. It was a manly shout of surprise, he would insist.

Shinohara and Akira both tensed up, reaching for their briefcases, whereas an expression of undisguised glee appeared on Suzuya's face.

"Maa, I'm kinda impressed. How did you know I was here?" Kakashi asked, looking genuinely curious.

"Lucky guess," Mado murmured. Unlike the others, he didn't reach for his weapon. Instead, he just calmly observed Kakashi, making no outward moves.

"What do you want?" Amon demanded once he recovered his composure. "What are you doing here?"

"Did you like my gift?"

Amon blinked. "Pardon?"

"Did you like my gift?" Kakashi repeated insistently.

"What gift?" Amon scowled. "What are you talking about?"

"The criminals, of course!" Kakashi exclaimed. "In just a single day, I made the streets of Tokyo safer." He nodded self-satisfiedly. "You know, you should give me a medal for being a hero."

"The criminals you caught were a gift to us...?" Shinohara asked slowly.

"Yup!" Kakashi smiled. "Did you like it?"

"It was..." Shinohara struggled to find a word. "Thoughtful," he finished.

"I'm glad you liked it!" Kakashi looked genuinely joyful. "We're friends now, right?"

Amon blanched. " _What?! NO!"_

Kakashi frowned mildly. "We're not? Hmm... This is complicated. Very well then. What do I need to do to become your friends?"

Amon gaped at Kakashi. "Are - are you insane?"

"You know, humans and ghouls have a lot more in common than you think," Kakashi mused.

"Excuse me?" Shinohara asked, looking mildly offended.

"Well, the ghoul I talked to yesterday also asked me if I was insane," Kakashi explained.

Shinohara paused. "That's fair," he conceded. "Also, if you could please give us the name, age, and general location of the ghoul you talked to, that would be great."

"Not happening," Kakashi clapped his hands together cheerfully. "But enough of that. If I buy you guys ramen and punch you in the face, would you become my friends-?"

"Kakashi," Mado interrupted softly, his gaze fixed on Kakashi. "Why are you here?"

"Well, I got lost on the road of life, and this is where I ended up," Kakashi answered with an eye-smile.

"You have had the opportunity to kill us numerous times," Mado continued, ignoring him. "Yet, you never did; you remained strictly nonlethal. And now, you're here to _make friends with us_." His eyes narrowed. "I don't understand you. Why are you here? What do you want with us?"

Kakashi hummed contemplatively. Then, in the blink of an eye, his expression lost all traces of levity. "Can I level with you for a moment?" he leaned forward, completely serious. The Investigators' gazes sharpened. "Due to a certain orange-obsessed student of mine, I wish to bring peace to the human-ghoul conflict."

There was a moment of silence.

"What?" Mado looked genuinely bewildered.

"That's impossible," Shinohara said regretfully. "As long as ghouls exist, humans will always be at war with them - "

"Why?" Kakashi asked simply.

"They destroy families and lives and do nothing but sow pain and suffering wherever they go," Amon snapped. "I'm not sure if you missed the memo, but they _eat_ people - "

"Synthetic meat," Kakashi replied bluntly. "Human cloning. Growing humans in labs. Creating a drug that allows ghouls to consume human food. I've seen the technology you possess. It's well within your abilities to do something - _anything_ that doesn't involve hunting down ghouls like animals."

Amon narrowed his eyes. "They _are_ animals."

"Really?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Is that really true? Or is it just the propaganda talking? Have you ever talked to a ghoul before without trying to kill them first?"

"Yes," Amon spat. "My foster father was a ghoul who ran an orphanage."

"See? That's a pretty noble cause - "

"He would eat the children he 'saved'."

Kakashi paused. "Ah. Never mind. At any rate, he was probably one of the evil ghouls, so to speak. But there are also good ghouls out there. You saw the criminals I captured yesterday. All of them were humans. Should I use that as justification that all humans are evil, then? Of course not. It's logically incorrect."

"I see your point," Shinohara steepled his fingers. "However, there is one flaw in your argument. Ghouls are incapable of having emotions, and by extension, morals. All you can do is imitate human behavior."

Kakashi sighed. "Once again, please try to separate propaganda from fact. I mean, it's _blatantly obvious_ what the CCG is doing. They dehumanize ghouls and make everything black-and-white to make it easy for you Investigators to brutally murder ghouls in cold blood without feeling a hint of remorse. Trust me, I've seen it all before."

"So what are you trying to say?" Shinohara tilted his head. Kakashi noticed with interest that he didn't object to what he had said. "That the CCG should stop hunting down ghouls? That we should lay over and let them eat us because they're higher up in the food chain?"

"I'm saying that you should accept the fact that there are peaceful ghouls out there," Kakashi answered. "Ghouls that wish to live a normal life."

Kakashi paused as he recalled what he had seen the previous night. Contrary to what he had told Touka, he did have another reason for going into her room besides the fact that he didn't like using doors.

He had been there to gather intelligence.

Several stuffed bunnies. A desk with reading materials on them. Cute drawings and school posters that hung on the wall.

It wasn't some act. Touka was legitimately trying to live a normal life as a normal human girl.

And if she was like this, then there undoubtedly were countless other ghouls who also wished to lead a normal life. And they were all unable to do so due to the CCG's actions.

"The female ghoul I talked to last night?" Kakashi continued, looking Shinohara in the eye. "You know where she gets her food? Suicide victims. She's not trying to destroy lives or rip apart families. She simply wishes to survive."

"Then you want us to ignore all the death and suffering ghouls have caused?" Amon demanded angrily. "That we should just forget about everything?"

"Oh dear gods, could you _please stop generalizing?_ " Kakashi asked exasperatedly. This was like the Academy all over again, with idiots incapable of critical thought. One of the downsides of being a genius. "All the ghouls that enjoy killing people - go ahead and kill them. I don't mind. But as for the rest, maybe try _not_ killing them and instead look for other solutions?" he drawled sarcastically.

"Even if that were the case, the ghouls would never agree to this," Shinohara told him, once again avoiding the issue.

Kakashi shrugged. "Maa, that's because they don't trust the CCG - and I don't blame them. You've shown nothing but malice and blind hatred so far. However, I have the perfect solution to your problem."

He tilted his head to the side and eye-smiled. " _Me_."

"You." Shinohara looked decidedly unimpressed.

"I'm a ghoul, after all," Kakashi spread his arms in a grandiose manner. "So if the ghouls see that you're friends with _me_ , then it'll set a pretty good example, don't you think? It'll establish that ghouls and humans _can_ coexist which would be a step towards peace, AND you'll be able to get a good night's sleep since you no longer have to worry about me causing chaos."

Absolute silence.

"Repeat that again?" Shinohara requested tentatively.

"It'll establish that ghouls and humans can coexist - "

"No, the last part," Shinohara said.

Kakashi tilted his head. "You'll be able to get a good night's sleep since you no longer have to worry about me causing chaos?"

Shinohara's gaze _sharpened_ as he stared at Kakashi with unnerving intensity. "If we become your friends, then you'll stop your unparalleled rampage of chaos and destruction?"

Kakashi nodded. "Yup!" he answered brightly.

" _It's a deal_."

"Shinohara!" Amon gasped. "He's a _ghoul!"_

"And he can kill us at any time," Shinohara said flatly. "So if I'm going to die, I'd rather die on a full night's sleep. We've been awake for nearly _forty-eight consecutive hours now_. Suzuya is one coffee away from caffeine overdose, and I'm not so far behind him."

True enough, both Shinohara and Suzuya were vibrating so fast, it was nearly imperceptible.

"And despite the fact that Kakashi is right in front of us, Mado _still_ hasn't blinked in the past five minutes," Shinohara gestured at Mado, who was staring unblinkingly at Kakashi. "Let's face the reality of the situation. Kakashi is easily an SSS-rank ghoul. He has an _SEP field_. If he wishes to call for a temporary ceasefire, then I say we take it."

"But - " Amon tried to protest but Shinohara cut him off.

"I'm pulling rank on you here," Shinohara sighed. "I know you don't like it, but... As much as I'd like to pretend otherwise, Kakashi has _all_ of us at his mercy right now. I'd rather become _friends_ with him now, than wait for him to grow bored and _massacre_ everyone in this Center."

He turned to Kakashi and bowed. "Thank you for the generous gifts yesterday, Kakashi. We really appreciated them."

Kakashi smiled happily. "It was no problem. I'm glad you saw the light."

"Is there anything you need?" Shinohara asked politely.

Kakashi snapped his fingers. "As a matter of fact, yes. Friends do each other favors, right?"

"Right..." Shinohara nodded slowly.

"Then... well, it's kinda embarrassing to ask..." Kakashi demurely placed a hand on his cheek. "But... umm..."

Amon sighed, already prepared for the insane ghoul in front of them to ask for porn manga -

" _I'm hungry."_

They all froze.

"I'm sorry?" Shinohara asked hesitantly.

"I've been able to resist the hunger so far, but... well, it's starting to get really painful. Kinda irritating, not gonna lie," Kakashi shrugged nonchalantly. "So if you guys could hit me up with some human meat, that would be great."

The Investigators exchanged wary looks as they were suddenly reminded of the painful fact that no matter how bright and cheerful Kakashi was, he was still a ghoul who consumed human flesh.

"I'll fill out an acquisition form," Shinohara said even as they all backed away slowly from Kakashi.

Kakashi merely beamed at them. "Thank you!"

XxX

"What the hell was that?!" Amon demanded once Kakashi left to introduce himself to the rest of the Center. Screams of terror began sounding off in the distance. "Why are we entering an - an _alliance_ with Kakashi-?"

"Keep your voice down," Shinohara said quietly. "And we're not entering an alliance."

Amon blinked. "We're not?"

"Of course we're not, my dear Amon," Mado giggled. "The moment we get the opportunity, we're going to stab him in the back. Wait until he lets his guard down, then _exterminate_ him. Well done, Shinohara. You just presented us with a golden opportunity."

Shinohara inclined his head, smiling. "Indeed."

"Huh," Amon looked abashed. "Sorry for doubting you, Shinohara."

"No worries," Shinohara waved him off. "I admit, the deception leaves a bad taste in my mouth... but, he _is_ a ghoul. No ghoul becomes as powerful as he does without a body count numbering in the hundreds. Perhaps peace is possible, but..." He paused, his expression becoming thoughtful for a moment before he shook his head. "No, forget it."

"Now then, Akira," Mado turned to his daughter. "You know the plan." He grinned maniacally. "Go capture Kakashi's heart and make him yours."

"Cringe, dad. Cringe."

XxX

Kakashi stared down at the slab of meat in front of him, frowning in distaste. It was raw and looked disgusting. It wasn't poisoned - he already checked.

With a deep breath to steel himself, he _blurred_ , lowering his mask, stuffing the entire thing into his mouth, then pulling up his mask again. He chewed, expecting a revolting taste but receiving something entirely different.

It tasted delicious.

Damn it.

He supposed if he was normal, he should be having some existential crisis right now, but he was Hatake _fucking_ Kakashi, so he just accepted it without a second thought.

"Hello there, Kakashi."

Kakashi looked up to see a blonde investigator giving him a clearly forced smile. Short hair, green eyes, pale creamy skin. She was pretty. "Yo!" he greeted. "What's up?"

"My name's Akira," Akira smiled at him. "Are you my toe? Cause I wanna bang you against some furniture at my place."

...

Wait.

What?

Kakashi blinked, wondering if he heard that wrong. "... what?"

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

Kakashi blinked again, at a complete loss for words.

"There'll only be seven planets after I destroy Uranus," Akira tried again, her expression completely serious.

Kakashi nearly choked on his spit. He looked around to see if anyone was playing a prank on him, but he and Akira were the only ones in the cafeteria.

What the _fuck?!_

A thought entered his mind that filled him with horrified amusement.

Was... was she trying to _seduce_ him?

Kakashi was no stranger to seducing ops - he had been on both ends before ( _don't_ ask). It was an entirely viable strategy. However, Akira was, quite frankly, terrible at it. It was almost unreal. Though to be fair, it wasn't as if she would've been taught how to seduce ghouls.

Actually, now that he thought about it...

Kakashi gave a mental giggle.

It was time to show her how it's properly done.

Kakashi stood up and stepped forward until he was just a few inches away from her. She tilted her head up to look up at him, painfully aware of how close he was to her.

"Maa, you're kinda cute." Akira didn't blush or even respond with some witty banter, which showed her inexperience in the art of seducing someone. Fortunately - or unfortunately - for her, Kakashi was a master.

Kakashi pulled down his mask and shot her a brilliant smile.

Akira froze before her eyes widened and a furious blush appeared on her face.

"I know a really good coffee place," Kakashi whispered, his deep voice sending shivers down her spine. "Anteiku. I'll see you there at six tonight?"

Slowly, Akira nodded, averting her eyes. "O-Okay," she stammered.

"It's a date, then!" Kakashi gave her one last smile before he pulled his mask back up. "See you there!" he waved before he dematerialized in a Shunshin.

Akira was left standing there, staring after him, a blush still on her face.

XxX

"Did it work?" Amon asked the moment she stepped back into the room.

Akira didn't respond for a few minutes. "A date," she finally murmured, deep in thought. "I have a date at six tonight. I - I need to get ready."

"It worked?" Amon looked pleasantly surprised. "Kakashi fell for it? Damn, he must be one horny ghoul. Good job!"

Akira ignored him, instead still muttering to herself. "What should I wear? What does Kakashi like?" She whirled to Mado. "Father, I need your porn manga to see what Kakashi likes," she stated bluntly.

Mado grinned. "Ah, I'm glad you finally saw the light."

XxX

As they watched Akira leave for the date with an almost _excited_ look on her face, Shinohara frowned slightly.

"Do you get the feeling that our plan somehow backfired on us?" he asked.

"Nahhhhh," Mado replied with a proud, fatherly grin on his face.

"I believe in Akira," Amon said with conviction.

"She wants to get into his pants," Suzuya added.

"Suzuya!" Shinohara admonished with a weary sigh. "Well, at any rate, it's time to report back to HQ about what happened today - "

Amon, Mado, and Suzuya _blurred_. Amon sprinted for the door, Mado close behind him. A second before they reached it, however, Shinohara _blurred_ as well, appearing in front of them, blocking the door.

"You're not leaving - " he was cut by the sound of breaking glass. Suzuya had jumped _through_ a window to escape.

Shinohara sighed again, making a mental reminder to check up on all the cuts and lacerations that Suzuya just gained later. Then he turned back to Amon and Mado, narrowing his eyes. "You are _not_ leaving me to report to HQ by myself," he growled. "Prepare yourselves, gentlemen, for the _worst_ meeting you are about to experience in your entire life. We are going to face HQ. _Together_."

For a moment, Mado and Amon briefly considered fighting Shinohara and escaping. However, there was a _dangerous_ look in Shinohara's eyes, as if he was daring them to try.

"Fine," Mado relented with the utmost reluctance.

Amon whimpered. Well, at least Akira was having as bad of a time as they were, considering how she was being forced to have a date with a _ghoul_. She must be suffering terribly just like them, Amon consoled himself.

XxX

Akira laughed lightly as Kakashi grinned at her.

As much as Akira hated to admit it, Kakashi was a surprisingly good conversationalist. At first, she had been tense around him, but after a couple minutes, she relaxed when it became apparent Kakashi wasn't going to do anything.

He was a hell of a lot better company than all the guys at the CCG. Funny, witty, charming, cheerful, _really fucking good looking_... It was a pity he was a ghoul, so she had to kill him.

Kakashi was in a disguise, of course. She didn't want him to cause any chaos for the poor coffee shop or its patrons. He had on glasses and a hat - and surprisingly, that was enough. Nobody suspected anything.

"Ah, thank you, Touka," Kakashi smiled at the waitress who brought him another cup of coffee. Akira felt a flash of jealousy, though she quickly smothered it. She was on a mission. A _mission_.

Strangely enough, the waitress seemed to shoot her a look of barely-concealed anger. Probably because Akira was the one on a date with Kakashi, and not her.

" - I gotta say though, the past few days have been rather nostalgic," Kakashi said reminiscently. "It was like screwing with my cute little students all over again."

"You were a teacher?" Akira inquired, feeling extremely sorry for Kakashi's students.

Kakashi nodded, smiling fondly. "I had three students. Naruto, Sakura, and" - his expression darkened slightly - "Sasuke."

"You didn't like the last one?" Akira asked curiously.

Kakashi was silent for a moment. "I failed him," he finally sighed. "I completely underestimated the extent of just how mentally fucked up he was, and due to my blindness and inaction, that led to him betraying us all and becoming an internationally wanted criminal."

"Oh," Akira paused. "That's... unfortunate." She made a mental note to search up _Sasuke_ on all the world's databases.

"But enough of him," Kakashi redirected the conversation. "Hey, I wanna ask you a hypothetical question."

"Shoot."

"Theoretically, if there was a ghoul who had never harmed a human and only ate suicide victims to survive... what would you do to such a ghoul?" Kakashi inquired, his uncharacteristically focused gaze piercing into her.

"I would kill it," Akira said without any hesitation.

Kakashi tilted his head. "Why?"

"Just because the ghoul hasn't hurt anyone yet, doesn't mean that they wouldn't in the future."

"Couldn't the same logic be applied to humans?" Kakashi pressed on.

Akira shook her head. "That's different. Ghouls are incapable of feeling emotions. They - _you_ \- are just animals who operate purely on instinct. You are simply a disease that should be eradicated." _No matter how hot you are_ , she added in her mind.

There was the sound of breaking glass in the corner. Akira looked over to see that the blue-haired waitress had dropped a cup and was now cleaning it up. Oddly enough, the waitress had a furious expression on her face. It probably wasn't her first broken cup recently.

"That's just the CCG propaganda talking again," Kakashi sighed.

"Of course you would call it propaganda," Akira dismissed. "You are, after all, a ghoul."

Kakashi shrugged. "Only for a few days. I was a human before that."

Akira paused. "I'm sorry?"

"I was turned into a ghoul a few days ago," Kakashi said casually, as if he was commenting on the weather. "Don't ask me how; I don't know either."

Akira sighed. "At least come up with a more believable lie, please."

"I'm not - " Kakashi paused. "Ehh, whatever. Believe what you want. Either way, I can see that your mind isn't going to be changed. I assume that your colleagues feel the same way?"

Akira hesitated before nodding. "Ghouls are nothing but a disease afflicting humanity. Coexistence is impossible - only total eradication. What you speak of - peace - is an inconceivable notion. I can't tell if you're incredibly naive, or you're just screwing with us."

Kakashi hummed. "I see. I admit, a tiny part of me had hoped that they entered the 'friendship' with me because they genuinely believed that it could work... but it appears their only reason was so they could lure me into a trap to betray and attempt to kill me later," he sighed.

Akira froze. "That's not - "

"Don't bother denying it," Kakashi drawled. "I'm not stupid. I'm not offended, either. Don't worry - it's not as if it's actually going to _work."_

Akira inclined her head. "Fair enough." From anyone else, she would've thought them arrogant. However, Kakashi was powerful enough for it to be _true_.

Kakashi then let out a heavy sigh. "Maa, but it's kinda annoying. I confess, I'm stuck at an impasse as to how to convince you all. Using logical arguments won't work because you guys are dead set on believing that ghouls are incapable of human emotions and empathy."

"Nothing you do can convince us," Akira shrugged. "It would be as if a cancer cell tried to convince a human that it wouldn't do any harm."

Kakashi sipped from his cup of coffee, relishing the taste. His gaze turned contemplative. "I wonder though..."

XxX

"You're telling me... that you entered a _friendship_ with Codename: Kakashi?"

"Not exactly, sir," Shinohara responded. "It's more of a _temporary ceasefire_ while we wait for Arima- "

"Unacceptable," a new voice snapped. "The CCG does not negotiate or show any mercy to ghouls - "

"With all due respect, sir, right now _we're_ the ones at Kakashi's mercy," Shinohara said grimly.

"He could slaughter all of us without even breaking a sweat," Amon added, clenching his fists. "We're completely outclassed here."

"Kakashi is arrogant," Mado giggled insanely. "That will be his downfall. We just need to be patient. Wait for the perfect opportunity, maneuver him into a death trap - and then _attack."_

"You already had the golden opportunity!" The first voice snarled. "He was _right here!_ Why didn't you just use the RC Control gas grenade?!"

"The surroundings were inadequate," Shinohara calmly explained. "Kakashi was able to cut through solid steel shutters. The RC Control gas grenade requires at least a minute to take effect. In that time, with his speed, Kakashi would've easily escaped, and we would've lost the element of surprise. We need to prepare a special facility with reinforced titanium shutters and walls for a 100% chance of success."

"And how long would it take until construction is finished?"

Shinohara winced. "Several weeks."

"Absolutely not," a third voice declared. "He's already made an utter fool of the CCG. We will call in international help if we have to. Kakashi will be dead by the end of this week, mark my words. We are not going to wait. We need to eliminate Kakashi by any means necessary."

"Sir, I don't believe that's wise - " Shinohara began but was cut off.

"That's an order. If Kakashi shows up, I expect you to kill on sight. Any... _friendship_ , any _ceasefire_ , any _alliance_ is strictly forbidden." The voice left no room for argument. "You're all dismissed."

XxX

"I'll walk you home?" Kakashi offered.

Akira smiled. "Thank you, but no."

Kakashi paused. "If you're worried about me finding out where you live, I already know."

"That's not creepy at all," Akira said dryly.

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Calm down - I'm not a stalker, I swear. I gather intelligence on everyone who's trying to kill me."

Akira furrowed her brows. "But how?" she asked.

Kakashi looked at her, amused. " _Please_. Breaking into your databases was child's play."

Akira's eyes widened. "You're a hacker?!"

"Nope," Kakashi popped the _p_. "I'm just really good at guessing passwords."

She glared at him, to which he just grinned.

"So do you want me to walk you home?" Kakashi offered again.

Akira hesitated before nodding. "Sure, why not."

As they made their way through Tokyo, Kakashi entertained her by pointing out all the CCG surveillance teams. His counterespionage skills were astonishing. Akira had never seen anything like it. He could deduce if someone was a CCG agent with one glance alone.

Kakashi was trained. Professional. Did he work for an intelligence agency? The KGB? CIA?

Whatever the case, Akira doubted she would be able to find out.

"We're here," she announced when they reached her apartment.

"Alright. Good night," Kakashi said.

Akira raised her eyebrows. "You don't wish to come in?"

Kakashi laughed. "Sorry, but no. I have other business to attend to. See you tomorrow!"

"See you."

Akira made sure not to blink, staring intensely at Kakashi. Even then, Kakashi _disappeared_ , moving too fast for her eye to see.

XxX

Kakashi stared at the boy sitting at the counter crying over a cup of coffee.

"Between you and me," he confided to Touka, "The coffee here is good, but not _that_ good."

Touka promptly swore and whirled around to face him. "Sweet merciful Buddha, don't scare me like that!" she snapped angrily.

"Or maybe you can improve your situational awareness." Kakashi dodged the punch she sent his way. "Maa, let's not get violent here."

"I _despise_ you with every fiber of my being," Touka growled. "Why the hell did you bring a _Dove_ here? To Anteiku? Do you _want_ all of us to be killed?"

"Of course not," Kakashi replied. "It's called hiding in plain sight. They're all focused on me, so they would never suspect you guys."

"That's the worst reasoning I've ever heard - " Touka took a deep, calming breath. "Whatever. Just... you're powerful. This is all your fault. So _please_ , don't let them come for Anteiku." Even though she glared at him, her voice had a desperate edge.

Kakashi's gaze softened. "Don't worry. I won't let them attack this place."

"Thank you," Yoshimura interjected. "At any rate, Touka has told me about your plan to 'unite humans and ghouls.'" He opened his eyes, revealing red-and-black eyes. "Did you truly mean that?"

"I did," Kakashi nodded.

"You think it's possible?"

"I do."

Yoshimura's gaze bore into Kakashi. "I see..."

"It's pointless," Touka cut in, narrowing her eyes. "You heard the Dove this evening. She considers us to be nothing but a disease, and I guarantee that every Dove shares that perspective."

Kakashi hummed. "I'm not saying it would be easy. I just need to figure out a way to convince the Investigators that ghouls are still _people_ with emotions and hopes and dreams."

"Well, good luck with that," Touka rolled her eyes. "It's not going to happen. Hell, just look at _him."_

She nodded towards the boy, who had stopped crying and was looking at them with curiosity and fear.

" _Monsters_ , he calls us," Touka said scornfully. "What a joke."

Kakashi frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Kaneki Ken here was a human up until a few days ago, when ghoul organs were transplanted into him," Yoshimura explained.

Kakashi's eyebrows rose. "You should sue the doctor," he said bluntly. Kaneki blinked. "For what it's worth, though, I know what you're going through right now."

Kaneki looked at him in surprise. "You had ghoul organs transplanted into you too?"

"Nah," Kakashi shook his head. "It was more of a _vengeful goddess_ and _trans-dimensional fuckup_ sort of thing. No doctors were involved, thankfully. But yeah - I was a human up until a few days ago as well."

Kaneki blinked, unsure of how to respond. "Oh..."

"Being a ghoul isn't honestly too bad," Kakashi continued. "I mean, yeah, it sucks not being able to eat human food, and eating _humans_ is kinda disgusting, but other than that, it's not that bad."

"Not that bad?" Despair filled Kaneki's gaze. "I'm a _monster_ now - "

"Oh for the love of god," Kakashi groaned dramatically. "It's not the species that makes someone a monster. It's the choices they make with their life."

Kaneki paused. "That's... actually a really good point. Hey, who are you again? Sorry, I don't think I caught your name."

Kakashi raised his eyebrows before he realized he still had on his disguise. He released the _Henge_ , the glasses and hat disappearing.

Kaneki's eyes widened in shock. "Y-You're Kakashi!" he yelped.

"How the fuck didn't you recognize him before?!" Touka asked incredulously. "Now that I think about it, how did _nobody_ recognize you this entire evening?! Glasses and a hat is _not_ enough to conceal an identity!"

"You'd be surprised," Kakashi chuckled. Some light Genjutsu layered onto the Henge certainly helped. "Anyways, kid - " he froze. "Wait a minute..."

"I'm almost afraid to ask," Touka muttered.

"You're a human turned into a ghoul, right?" Kakashi's intense gaze was focused on Kaneki.

Kaneki nodded. "Y-Yeah."

"Are you psychologically sound? Do you like torturing bunnies in your spare time? Have you killed anyone before? Are you a sadist?"

Kaneki frowned, looking slightly disturbed. "Umm... Yes, no, no, and definitely not."

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a literature student going to college."

Satisfaction filled Kakashi's smile. "You're _perfect_..." he breathed.

A half-ghoul, half-human. Someone who existed in both worlds. A relatively well-adjusted individual.

"Perfect? Perfect for what?" Kaneki looked hopelessly confused.

"Nothing, nothing," Kakashi waved him off. "Hey, Touka, do me a favor and look after Kaneki, will you?"

"And why the hell would I want to do that?" Touka shot back.

"Consider it a favor to me?"

"I'd sooner die," Touka growled.

"Maa, that's harsh."

"We'll take care of him," Yoshimura promised, giving Touka a _look_. Touka merely groaned in response.

"Brilliant!" Kakashi turned to leave, but stopped when the elderly ghoul called out to him.

"Kakashi," Yoshimura began, his kakugan gleaming dangerously as Killing Intent filled the room, the suffocating aura causing Kaneki and even Touka to tremble. "Thanks to your actions, the 20th Ward is now swarmed with the most dangerous ghouls and Investigators alike. This is _your_ mess. Make sure you clean it up."

"I will," Kakashi nodded, his posture completely relaxed.

"And one more thing... if that Investigator finds out that Anteiku is a place for ghouls - "

"Then I'll protect this place," Kakashi cut in, his expression uncharacteristically serious. "No matter what you may think of me, I'm not heartless. Besides, it would be inconsiderate and just plain bad manners to let you all suffer because of _my_ actions." Touka snorted incredulously.

Yoshimura nodded once. "Good." The oppressive feeling vanished. "For your sake - and ours... I hope you're as strong as you think you are."

Kakashi laughed in genuine amusement. "Compared to what I normally have to deal with, this is practically a vacation." Oddly enough, Touka tensed up at his words. "That being said, I'll take my leave now. I just came here to let you know that my plan worked."

"What plan-?" Touka's eyes widened. "No fucking way. You actually forced them to become your friends?"

"Of course!" Kakashi grinned. "Isn't it great? One step closer to peace!"

"God, you're unironically insane."

XxX

Kakashi braced himself as the memories of the Kage Bunshins hit him. Little progress was made on the Hiraishin seal. Damn it.

As he created more Kage Bunshins to work through the night, he thought back to the events of the day.

Currently, there was no way Kakashi could convince the Investigators that ghouls weren't evil. Using logical arguments wouldn't work - it appeared that the Investigators were utterly convinced that ghouls were literally incapable of having emotions and morals; all they do is imitate human behavior. Classic brainwashing and psychology. Kakashi didn't even blame the CCG - it made things more efficient that way.

To the CCG, ghouls were considered to be nothing more than a disease. There was no "coexisting" with cancer, after all. Sure, a ghoul might _act_ human, but at its basest level, it was nothing more than a rabid animal that should be put down. It was only natural to destroy a ghoul.

No amount of logical arguments could convince them otherwise. Logic, in itself, was incapable of overcoming brainwashing and conditioning - except for the most intelligent of individuals such as Itachi or himself. Kakashi had already seen it with his visit to the CCG today - no matter what they see or hear, they would either try to justify it, or outright avoid it.

However, while logic might not work, _sentiment_ certainly could. Sentiment was the single most effective way to break through brainwashing and conditioning. That had been demonstrated with Sai, that had been demonstrated with Yamato - that had been demonstrated with Kakashi himself. After all, hadn't Obito been the one to break Kakashi out of his self-induced conditioning?

Unfortunately, Kakashi doubted the Investigators could feel any sentiment for either him or the peaceful ghouls at Anteiku. He had already burned that bridge due to his... _actions_ , and the Investigators would just assume the peaceful ghouls were putting on an act or something.

Kaneki Ken, however, was a human turned into a ghoul. A legitimately good, innocent human who became a monster due to a single night of bad luck. The CCG would be able to sympathize with him. They would feel _sentiment_. Kaneki would be the bridge that finally connected humans and ghouls.

He would be proof that ghouls _weren't_ a disease, that they were _people_ with emotions and hopes and dreams, just like humans.

Plans whirled to life in Kakashi's mind, layers upon layers of strategies.

He would give Kaneki a week or two to adapt to life as a ghoul first. Understand that ghouls weren't monsters. After that, he would ask Kaneki if he was willing to go along with the plan. Kakashi wasn't Danzo - he wasn't going to play god with people's lives. If Kaneki didn't want to do it, Kakashi would just create another plan. Something told Kakashi that Kaneki would agree, though.

Meanwhile... To show the CCG that he was being serious about peaceful coexistence, Kakashi needed to hunt down violent, evil ghouls who genuinely enjoyed causing pain and suffering. He couldn't have the few bad apples spoil the whole thing.

Time for some more intelligence gathering. Kakashi created another Kage Bunshin to break into secure CCG facilities to access the database.

After that, he reclined on the comfortable couch, letting out a few giggles as he continued to read the magnificent work of art.

Life was good.

XxX

Life was terrible for Amon Koutarou.

"I used to believe in justice," Amon said hollowly. "If there's evil, then it will be eradicated by good. Justice will always prevail. But what am I supposed to do when _justice_ is just crushed by overwhelming power? Kakashi is a ghoul, yet he's too powerful to be stopped."

"Have faith, Amon," Mado patted his back in a rare display of comfort. "Kakashi will fall. It's only a matter of time."

"Yeah? How?!" Amon demanded. "He fought the _entire 20th Branch Center_ by himself. And single-handedly _won_. _Without a single scratch. Only using his legs. While reading a book._ Oh, and he can apparently turn invisible. Even with the RC Control gas, I don't see us winning. He'll have some strategy ready, some sort of countermeasure."

Mado opened his mouth but then closed it.

Amon sighed heavily. "I'm sorry. It's just - It's been a terrible few days." There were dark circles under his eyes, and he seemed to be running on fumes.

"It's fine," Mado said, his gaze understanding. "In fact, let's call it a night. Get some sleep, everyone. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow."

"YES!" Suzuya cheered. "Finally!"

"Oh, and one more thing, Amon," Shinohara spoke up. This entire time, he had been tapping away on his laptop. "Don't lose hope. _Never_ lose hope. You want to know how we're going to defeat Kakashi?"

He smiled triumphantly. "Special Class Ghoul Investigator Kishou Arima is done with his mission. He's arriving in the 20th Ward tomorrow. It's time to end this."

Amon's eyes widened before his face set in determination. "Kakashi will fall," he vowed.

"That's the spirit," Mado chuckled.

XxX

"I hate Kakashi," Touka growled.

Yoshimura glanced at her. "Life truly is unfair, isn't it," he murmured sadly.

Touka drew in a sharp breath. "How do you - " she asked in shock before she cut off. "Yeah, it is," she finally said. "Life is really fucking unfair. I mean, I always knew that, but Kakashi is a giant neon walking reminder of that fact."

Yoshimura inclined his head.

"Why does _he_ get to be powerful enough that he can do whatever the hell he wants?" Touka continued bitterly. "The tightrope doesn't apply to him simply because of how powerful he is. He can _play_ with the Doves for _fun_. He's free to live his life however he wants."

Every day was like walking a tightrope for Touka. For her to live as a human, every second was spent wondering _Can I continue or will I fall?_ If she made a single mistake that led to someone discovering she was a ghoul, then it would be all over. If she came into contact with a single Investigator, then it would be all over. The threat of death constantly hung over her head.

But it was different for Kakashi. He was powerful enough that rather than walking a tightrope, he was walking on a solid, well-paved path. He had the power she so desperately wanted, but was using that power to screw with the CCG and ' _have fun'_.

It wasn't fair.

Life wasn't fair.

Sometimes, being a ghoul was shitty beyond belief.

"You may be correct," Yoshimura said quietly after a long moment of silence. "However... he's using that power to help make the lives of ghouls better."

Touka scoffed. "Do you really believe that?"

"Not really," Yoshimura admitted. "But then again, nobody believed that the Owl would settle down and become a peaceful coffee shop owner, but here I am. And I am willing to believe, Touka. Because the alternative is to accept that the most dangerous ghouls and Investigators in all of Japan are now in the 20th Ward, and that it would have all been for _nothing._ "

He turned to clean the counter. "We'll just have to wait and see. And, most importantly, _hope._ "

XxX

Kishou Arima scanned the report he just received. As he read, a smile slowly began spreading across his lips. It was a small smile, nearly imperceptible, but it was there.

Tomorrow would be... _interesting._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading!


End file.
